I know what this (doesn't) mean

“We ate well and cheaply and drank well and cheaply and slept well and warm together and loved each other.”

so this is the new year

Simply because I am supposed to be studying. A few things and people swirling around my mind, sort of. I truly think I just need something to occupy all the space in there because nothing truly matters. Or at least, I'd like to think. On the other hand, you've made it pretty fucking obvious that you don't take anything seriously either. What is your damn deal? If I knew from the start we probably wouldn't be here right now but noooooo, had to be so dodgy about it. I don't want to need. I know it's simply the vacuum of time and space that is pulling things together. I'm fairly certain I'm the only one that isn't homesick because I have nothing waiting for me and it was a choice. I made the choice to be free from these things because I didn't want to continue being someone like you - someone with responsibilities and a life that he doesn't respect. I can't respect people like that. Far for me to preach I suppose (this is really fucking bad for my karma). There is a difference between making a mistake and being fucking two-faced. Once again, my theory that nothing is worth it cos people are shit has been proven right. Slow clap please. I don't know why I'm so fucking smug about being right because I am fucking tired. Tired of always feeling hopeful, tired of the inevitable disappointment, tired of feeling like this life simply isn't worth living. Underneath everything, all I truly wish for is something real because it has been too many years since I've felt anything even remotely close to anything fulfilling. On a less frustrating note, I think I have semi come to terms with the way things have been left off. As usual, you have made a complete disappearance but I guess I am just used to it. I just wanted to believe that I meant something more. I wanted to believe that this was the end game. I just wanted you. But I guess there's a different time and place for that and it isn't now. It's never now.


There'd be no distance that could hold us back

and I don't feel any different

I know it's late, I know you're weary 

I know your plans don't include me 

Still here we are, both of us lonely

you, who made me laugh again

so one last touch and then you'll go 

and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more 

but it was vile, and it was cheap 

and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

maybe sometime, in a long time

Nu Yeah! CNY weekend was spent in London and having steamboat out of a rice cooker #asianskillz. This week was spent at the clubs and generally not studying at all. Now more than ever is an apt time for getting my life together. Drunken snowball fights and spontaneously rolling down hills are where the good clean fun ends. Although I guess showers are clean. If I do not speak or think of it, nothing is real. I just like to do things I'm not supposed to do because it's fun and it's exciting and it's for now and it's something to do but also it's a burden and a mistake. And it's always there. I don't know when I became this person. I'm a fucking coward. Everything here is fleeting - snow so thick that it covers your shoes could be gone by the morning. Much like, well you know. I am a coward because I have a million questions about this situation and your situation but I don't want to confront it. I am a coward because I hate almost everything about this and yet I have done nothing about it. I am a coward pretending to be brave and unfeeling and cool when I know from past experiences that I can't handle these kinds of things. Because as much as I like to pretend I'm a boy, I unfortunately have this thing called feelings that I can't help but.. feel. For example I feel a lot of resentment even though I know it isn't in my place. It really fucking bothers me that nobody picks me anymore. I don't want to be third, I want to fucking be number one. Don't pretend you're trying to protect me when we both know that this shows just as much about you as a shit person as it does about me. Seriously though, aren't you a little old to be this scared to be alone? So fucking dodgy. I swear I've seen this all before. Everybody is the same person and I am sick to death of it. I don't know what I'm doing here. My youth is running on an infinite loop of stupidity and cowardice.


whether you're looking for corruption or a saviour

as if you knew me

If you think of me, I'll think of you

dripping with alchemy

Everything feels so strangely far away. Time moves so quickly here, as do you. And I. The above are the adventures of not-so-happening people and a quick trip to London for mandatory sight-seeing and generally feeling very awkward. I honestly think it's not that I don't know how to get along with people so much so as I just don't feel comfortable around a lot of them. I used to think it's because I judge people before they get the chance to make their first impression, but now I think maybe I am simply socially inept. To be honest, it's probably because I don't feel the need to mix around because things are annoyingly comfortable. When it's not being weird, of course. I don't know who I am kidding: this cannot end well. This will never not be weird. I flinch every time it comes close to what I think it could be and it makes me feel like the worst person ever because I don't actually feel like the worst person ever. I don't know what's going on with you and how you don't feel like the worst person ever. Maybe some things are better left unsaid but nooooooo, things must always be talked about. Why must things be talked about. So uncomfortable. I don't even know how comforting the fact that no feelings are involved is. Especially since, it isn't even good enough. Hurhur. What am I saying. I just wanna live in my bubble and not think about things and live and let live and what not but as I am #gettingmylifetogether I am forced to think about impractical things like repercussions and what not. Like an adult. Because now I am an adult. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I can't even say that convincingly. On a brighter note, things in birmz (most random city in the world) has been going surprisingly well. Save for the occasional weasel and the fact that it's too difficult to know who to trust around here. Everybody likes a good story, I suppose. Things just seem to be moving further and further into... our little bubble.


Cos I can't guarantee you'll be the right guy
the next time you want the right woman