headed towards a fucked up holiday

I don't really know where to begin since I've been missing from this space for ever now. Seoul was a truly amazing experience but that's a different post for a different night. I rang out 2012 by letting go of all the horrible things of yesteryear. He simply doesn't exist anymore. Anything that involves him is automatically blacked out, because it simply isn't important enough. This is the last of any proof that he has ever existed from now on. And the other one, well. One doesn't stop caring about someone because of a little disappointment. Over the years, I've built you up in my head to be this magnificent person who was wise and matured and great. And I don't doubt that you can be that, darling, and I'm not mad for the way that you acted. I just don't want to be part of whatever semi-incestuous crap you're trying to pull. I just want you to be happy. 2013 for me began in a downright mess. I had intended for this post to be a sentimental one about my one and only but thinking about everything fucked up made me realize I don't want to taint my infatuation with this cynicism. Since december, one two three four five mistakes and three hundred excuses. I was in a blind rage. I didn't know he has a girlfriend. It's nothing serious. If he doesn't care that he has a girlfriend, why should I. I was really drunk. For the first time in years, I actually really feel that my life is spinning out of control. It's not misplaced affection, I just wanna have fun and I think everybody takes things too seriously. Because if no one takes their relationships seriously (and evidently, no one does), why should I or anyone else? If you don't feel guilty, why should I? I don't know where your misplaced affection stems from, but you had the most surprising confession of all. I'm not naive enough to believe and hang on your every word, but I guess it was nice to hear someone I've always sort of had a thing for ish I guess whisper dangerously sweet nothings. And then some. Society dictates that I should feel terrible, but my question is: do you? Because let's review the situation here. I have nothing to lose here, I'm a free fucking agent. And yet, apparently because my reputation precedes me (cue eye-roll), I'm sure it'll end up being my fault somehow. Anyway, I'm not stupid. Sadly, I am simply, and have always been, just a prize for you to fight for. When these jealous eyes and mouths appear, I know they're not fighting for me but over me. And if whoever is reading this and thinking, well that's fucked up, let me tell you that it's not. Because every fucking person is like this. I'm not being cynical or jaded, this is just the fucking truth.


dinner with your boyfriend will never be the same again