transatlanticism

I'm a lot more unhappy than you realize. Most nights apart are spent wondering what I am still doing here. The few nights we spend together feel long and taxing. Sometimes I wish I were more brave. Ironically, I've always said that I will be that in the future because of my past and what I've gone though. And yet it's the fear of the past repeating itself that has me trapped. The vicious cycle. I do think that sometimes, what I really need is a friend. Although I am still quite bitter and resentful, I do hope that you're happy where you are. One of us should be and karma has dictated that it shouldn't be me. And I agree. Strangely enough, I still carry a lot of guilt despite the closure and what not. I guess it's not so much about you as it is about me never being able to forgive myself for doing that to myself. But back to the issue at hand. I remember when everything first presented itself to me and the way I used to yearn. But that was a long time ago. I know it's not just time and it's dastardly deeds. It's the hollowness of the non-existent foundation on which all this is built on. It's a present unravelling itself only to be greeted with disappointment, which eventually grows into resentment. It's the nagging feeling of uncertainty. It's me on my pedestal looking around and thinking, no I don't belong here. It's me and my youth vs. you and your comfort. "I'm always anxious thinking I'm not living my life to the fullest, you know?". Its you and all your flaws, magnified into one giant wtf. It's me and my frivolity, my selfishness, my perceived invincibility. But painfully, above all else, it's the fear.

I think I want to live my life and you're just in my way