I'm so sorry

and you go home alone

The string of 21sts have begun. An avalanche year. This is supposed to be the year I get my shit together but clearly I am still in the same shit as my 20th birthday. Now that my dear, was shit. Despite all the time spent together, I'm beginning to wonder if there's much to salvage anymore. Your ridiculously jealous nature is just, so, fucking, ironic. I have no words for you. But actually if I think about it, it makes sense if you take the fateful night into consideration. In fact, I should expect such unbecoming behavior from someone of your.. shall we say, social stature? LOL joking, no we shan't say. Bullshit. That's all this is.. just all bullshit. How can one believe in something real if they don't understand what something real means. If they've never experienced how overwhelming love is, how it will stop at nothing until it completely usurps ones life, how insatiable hunger feels and more importantly, how empty it leaves you when it's over? I wonder. In fact, I'm almost embarrassed just thinking about this. On one hand, I am sick of all the crap that comes with being in love. On the other hand, I'd be hard pressed to say I don't believe in that crap. Under all the glitz and the pretense of my so called glamorous life, I'm still the girl that wishes for a warm body to return home to and crawl into bed with. How did I end up here? "I can't remember anything without you"

I only keep myself this sick in the head

cos I know how the words get you

but not what she deserves

The illness has taken over. My body has shed some of the virus but has retained a lot more. I don't know what's happening anymore. I have given up. Just take me, I don't care anymore. I can't spend another weekend cooped up at home in this heat. Waking up in the middle of the night in cold swear while ironically, burning up. I've always been a baby about these kinds of things and the children's medicine proves that. Perhaps what I can't take is that I miss your presence. Definitely should've stuck to my "no boys on my bed" rule. And yet, I can't stand it. How long will you toe in line? LOL joking, you don't know what a line looks like. Never have I met someone who can't even stick to something they themselves are adamant about -.- "I'm just uncomfortable, it can't happen again" and an hour later.... jokez. You're a joke. You're right about one thing though, the trip really ruined everything. You can hide all you want. I'm not stupid, it's not that I can't see through your flimsy lies (seriously lady, considering how often you do it, you really gotta work on that) it's simply that I've given up on building anything real here. And it's your own fault. I've been known to have ridiculous expectations but I've never asked for much from you. And yet, this one thing is so difficult for you. Ironic isn't it, considering you and your demanding ways? I've been through enough to know my dear, that when this is over you're going to be beating yourself up for picking whatever it is you are picking over me, and you're going to seriously regret demanding so much from me when we all know you're already getting more than you deserve. Trust me.

How many nights

of talking in hotel rooms can you take?

my motherfucking bond

"I'm still angry with you, but there's something I want you to know. Even if sometimes I don't know who you are... I love you. I never stopped loving you. I guess you and me are just fools for love or something. 'Written in the stars' or some crap like that. But it was never better than with you, Steve. Never more real. Now I realize all that crazy shit you did, in your own fucked up way, was always for me. Always for us. You're the most amazing man. You take my breath away. And even though I can't be with you right now, I'll always be yours... forever."

- I Love You, Phillip Morris

love, we're going home now

20th

skippin' town

Well. There's not much more to say I guess. The wind was cold, the skies were blue, the euro was falling, sights were being seen, roads were being explored, things were being bought, hands were held, croissants hot chocolate and money was abundant, art was being appreciated and Paris was being Paris. Then it hit. Well okay, hit is somewhat misleading. Let's go with attack. Kena attacked.. yeah that makes more sense. Well, whatchu gonna do? The worst of the worst if that nothing seems to be getting better. Chance after chance shoved down your throat only to come out the other end.. really? What's wrong with you? I can only close my eyes to your negligence for so long. Why would I want to be caged under your possessive eye in the last year before I turn twenty one? Nothing defines me more than my youth and my recklessness. Sadly I must say that prior to said incident, the trip was truly lovely. Having been back for two weeks now, I am still jetlagged. jobless and still uncertain about my future. I just need the kick to get up off my fat ass and stop being so late. The illness is back and it's growing inside me, I can feel it. I just need to get it out... now.

I just let your love in

our summer out west

and out of no where it hits me,

just how unhappy I actually am

it's a little too late

to say that you're sorry now

we lied, we can't go on

Despite being in one of the most beautiful (and dirtiest) cities in the world, that was by far the worst birthdays to date. I am only comparing because you are so adamant on comparing yourself. I literally have no words for the whole experience. I despise that it makes me one of those girls. Yeah, we all know which girl we're talking about. The worse part is I'm really not even exaggerating for dramatic effect, it just.. is. In all it's bottle swinging, spit spitting, leg kicking, glass shattering glory. Well. It's over. I just don't know what is. Mind vs Heart, and we all know where my heart is. Me vs You, and you're bigger than me. No words for your nasty ones except 1) "LOL says you" 2) "is that all you have?" 3) "You know it's my birthday right?" #justsaying. Well. What happened happened. Trying to move on would be.. too much effort. Move on away from it or move on to different things? Everybody's disgusted face. "What can possibly cancel out such a horrific event?" Nothing. You don't have to tell me what I should know because we all know I know. The question is: What do I want? I guess it seems... it really just doesn't matter enough to hurt. And yet. Coming home to... everyone. Once, twice, three times a lady. All too late. Not that it matters.. right? The most shocking one causing a lump in my throat as I fight to choke back my tears. And in my own domain. Thank you for what you did there, truly. But back to the one at hand, it's just not something I want to let go off.. now.

Kinda always knew

I'd end up your ex girlfriend