I was nineteen, call me

So I guess that was my year. Let's see: Justine's birthday at MBS -> countless nights at Rebel -> finally getting rid of the crazy -> all while in my last semester -> well, then there was that -> surgery for the calazion in my eye -> annual visit to the Biennale -> Paris with thy family -> AFF & the day I met the boy -> Bintan with the girls -> getting fired -> getting tragically ill.. with a UTI -> Hong Kong with Justine -> getting shingles (herpes) -> Lykke Li -> YSL with YSL boy (LOL) -> being the powerpuff girls -> countless events with Kim -> generally ending up with Kenneth. And I quote: "Why your life like that one?" LOL. Despite the counting illness I contracted, the endless late nights at Zouk, missing my own graduation, the string of boys and the girl, the ridiculous amount of money I owe my father and the multiple jobs, 2011 was significantly better than 2010. Last year, I lost everything. Last year I found myself desperately searching for answers in all the wrong places. Last year, I clung onto unhappiness for fear of loneliness. Last year I was a coward. This year I finally let everything go.. well, most things. I got rid of the crazy, I got rid of the baggage. I got rid of my fear. For a good seven months I was single and I was fine. In fact I was more than fine, I was fun. The biggest lesson I learnt this year was that nothing is really as bad as it seems. I admit I still may not be making the best decisions (my luggage remains half packed as I stop to blog instead) but I like to think I have a clearer view of things. This year I finally got the confirmation that it may not be over just yet but I also know it's not happening now. And I'm more than glad. In fact, I feel like I've grown the most when it comes to relationships. With every one I learn what I have and what I don't have and I've been through enough to size them up and learn not to take certain things for granted. Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn about being matured and what not. Next year sees me beginning at a new school (hopefully) and honestly I can't see anything past the fact that I am leaving in about eight hours to our Parisian adventure so cheers to that, happy birthday to me and happy new year to all! xx

I feel you in my heart

and I don't even know you

I was unfaithful in your bed

so I blamed you for the rain

I blame you for my lost

we won't back down

Another night spent seething as I fall into the life cycle of a hobo with no responsibilities whatsoever. The nights are long and lonely, the days are short and fleeting. Only two ish more days to our Parisian adventure and I question the foundations of this entire.. idea. I say idea because it does not seem real to me right now. For one, I am showing tinges of green. Indulging in my paranoia and suspicion. No one's telling me you seem the kind but no one's telling me you don't either. If I unravel something... a million different possibilities but rest assured, a world of hurt for you. Promise. Sigh. And the above: "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Is that all it was: alcohol & some epic coincidences that found me collapsing home only to explode in a steady stream of tears? Maybe it's just... everything. You, him, her.. too many to deal with. And yet at the end of the day, the only one I crave for is you. Don't fucking mess it up. It is only beginning to hit me now that I'm really about to be whisked away to live like a hobo on the dirty streets of Paris (still think we should've slept on the streets). City of Love and all the other corny stuff I'm pretty damn sure will remain myths. Just tryna keep my head up though I really worry. I know there are some things I take too seriously for my own good. Too many thoughts jumbled in the mess that is my brain. December, December...

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

what you must realize

I'm more scared than anything else

I guess

fall apart in parts

I'm just not very good at this

not you

I'll never let my pride down for you

Dear Abigail

A complete wipe out. Well, what can I say. I guess I will never really grow out of it. It's just... Moet. My youth may be dwindling but my reckless spirit isn't quite burning out. Well, we all knew this day would come. Things never go well for long with me. A string full of lovely days back-to-back since thy disappearance. The calm before the storm. I can't even pen down certain glimpses of the disasterous night simply because I don't remember any of it. Swell. I can't tell if you are just awkward or if you're really not the kind to bear ugly grudges. the only good thing that came out of it was restored faith in this, on my part anyway. Sad to say this isn't the first time something of this nature has occurred and you continue to surprise me by still remaining here. Though that was my last chance. Perhaps the hardest part of all is that I can't guarantee that there won't be a repeat performance. One can only hope. // I typed too soon. A grudge is a grudge no matter how ugly. I wonder if I'm being too easy on myself. If I am not deserving, then neither are you. Every time I think this is it and I can finally feel what I've always longed for, you ninja over me with your lame life. It pains me to admit that I see shades of that fight in you. It's disgusting. If I have to go through that kind of emotional abuse again then my theory that relationships are stupid would have been proven right. After all, I'm always right.

a heartbreaker right from the start

it was never either of us

then you remind me why

I may never love you

a future that might never exist

I'm all better just thinking about

when you come home, I'm gonna kick you out

then you show up with that stupid grin

and I just let your love in

I want you, endlessly

I'm not surprised at how I feel. A lull in the weekend. These blinding lights been nothing to me. I miss you, quite dearly. It's not really the number of days so much as it is the thought of the distance between us. "Why do you pretend you don't care?" Those overused words struck me like a chord. Maybe it's the time we've spent that's really fostering these feelings of warmth and other gay things inside me. Finally, the release of thy hormones and the illness that makes me a crabby person. I am too quick to threaten, I know. But it's only because I know you won't let it get that far. Not now anyway. It makes me really really mean. I don't know. I miss how you take up more than half of my tiny bed, the playful and increasingly violent fights we get into on the wet streets outside my gate, the irritating way you lumber so noisily down the stairs on our escape route and the way you cajole me when I throw one of my meaningless, completely random fits. Damn it. One more week and I'll be free to live back in my head, dreaming of our parisian adventure. It's The History Of Love that's making me this way, I know it. Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in a house opposite a girl who no longer exists. It gets me every fucking time. Funny how neither of us exists anymore and yet I still have to deal with so many fucking consequences. Or maybe, it's just me that doesn't exist anymore. Not in that world anyway. Perhaps it still exists, just without me and because I am watching as an outsider that I get these bitchy looks and sneers. Probably also because they're allowed to show that they hate me now... must've been how I made her feel. Hmm. To be frank, I'm happy I don't exist anymore. It has let me see so much of the worlds I've missed whilst residing only in that one concentrated bubble. It really helps me put into perspective what I have and sadly also, what I don't have.

You gave me your answer, goodbye

Now I'm all on my own tonight