we're not blind

I am so fucking over this bullshit

wrench

when I tell our story

my heart is breaking like you heard

Just when I thought things were getting better. Just when I put some faith into this and us, you come and ninja over me with you and your life. Well. I am easily misguided with tousled sheets and glossy eyes. Just when I started to regret that monumental decision a little bit less. Bitch please. I guess it just really goes to show what's important to you. Not that I get to say much I know, because at the end of the day I know I'm not fully comfortable with being with you. And I know it's not fair the way I compare in my head. It's just.. so obvious, you know? The vast difference between the two and I'm not just talking about Facebook. It's just my life and your life. How dare you even pretend to want to actually be a part of my life when you don't want me in yours. Not that it bothers me. And I know nobody believes me when I say that but it's true because, to put it extremely simply, I think I'm too cool for you two. Yup. I said it. But that's really not that new either. Well. Maybe I just like to indulge myself and remember the great times. I guess at the end of the day I just want to feel that kind of security that I've always felt and taken for granted. It really isn't until now that I realize I've always had it so fucking easy. This right now is so much more than it used to be but I think you've reach your maximum capacity. And I've yet to really begin.

I find it kind of funny,

I find it kind of sad

you and me together

nothing gets better

that no longer exists

it still breaks my heart

December

Death or Glory;

How'd you want it?

something about baby, you and i

Sometimes I feel like it's just so much of some warped whirlwind romance. But then again, what do I do that isn't warped? After all the words and all the years and all those damn fights, I actually relented. I toss around in bed with my bruised ego and a sneer on my face but I know it's the best option. I hate being old. Too old to be playing such games, too old to be holding onto that anymore, too old to be messing up when I can stop it. Sigh. Well. That's that. Another ironic night at Rebel just for old time's sakes. It's amusing, really. "You just need something to excite you". How thrilling, the great unknown, wondering what could happen even with chains around our necks. Nothing, of course. Because that's what normal people are like. Yes. I'm tryna be normal. Speaking of being old, I can't believe we actually did it. I guess it's really make or break, though this chinese guilt is really breaking my spirit and ruining my excitement. That and this pressure you're putting on this for us. I wonder if you've felt this way all along, just that you've finally decided to show it. You've definitely grown more attached. As have I, of course, even I can't deny that. I guess pride gets to everybody. Pride and the fear of vulnerability. The truth is it's not always about my ego, some times.. most times it's really just about me not wanting to be vulnerable and susceptible to believing in something that isn't real. Or that will eventually not be real. Because let's be honest, I barely survived the last time and I won't know how to do it again. I won't know how to survive having my whole world ripped apart at the seams. I don't know how to deal with a jilted lover's bitter revenge because it still fucking haunts me. I can't fucking do that again.

This time baby, I'll be bulletproof

much too proud to walk away

Wouldn't it be nice? It's so fucking typical, really. It's almost like a fucking template the way these things go down. It's a tantrum I can't handle throwing. For a bit I contemplated chatting up my safety net because that's all I'm really looking for isn't it? Like what's a girl got to do to get some motherfucking attention around here. But I know I can't keep fucking crawling back in that direction every time something fucks up in my life, no matter how tempting and surprisingly easy. So I wait. And I seethe. November has gotten off to a fucking stellar start as I stomp my feet on the thin ice beneath us. I can't control myself, I'm psychotic I'm sure. Sometimes it's almost like I fight and lash out and throw snide remarks just to get some kind of reaction. It's quite simple really. If I feel neglected, I would neglect you too. It wouldn't matter what I know. Sometimes I say/think things that make me stop and think "who the FUCK does this girl think she is" It's like I push and push and push to get what I want and when I have it, I don't want it that way. I don't want to feel like I've taken it, I want to feel like it was your idea all along. I act like some spoilt brat but I don't want to feel like one. Irony. I'm a walking disaster and I've been doing this for years now. The only difference, and perhaps what's so much worse, is that I'm a lot more aware of it now. I can control my temper and my words much more than I could but never enough simply because I don't want to. I've just been so stuck on this idea of neglect and non-importance after your brilliant ruiner comment. Like a broken recorder in my head, stuck on that one glitch. Not that you'd notice, really.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray