I won't let you bring me down

Eventful weekend. Maybe it's why I am always tired. And now sick. Hurhur. We are so close to the end of everything.. and then it's right back to the great unknown. How ready am I for my life to shift again? How ready am I to let this life, the one that I have grown quite accustomed to (ish), go? For once, I feel this overwhelming urge to prove myself in my work space. I think I've learnt more here than I realized, people-wise. Above anything I refuse to believe/admit that I am stressed. Cos I'm not. It's not the work, it's just physical exhaustion. Stress is a weakness. Really, I'm not (see). It's just a mess in my head. Stress x Mess. The only thing that will tide me over now is... a new bag. SIGH. I fucking can't wait to return to the Motherland. Life. Material things aside, four letter words seem to be the theme of the week. The pristine green.. was never that pristine anyway and I have the scars to show for it. Hmm. Excitement at what cost? The first thing off my list of things to do before I leave. Good to know I'm still as rebellious as ever. And yet I also feel like I've become slightly more.. cautious? I think I've just come to see that this isn't everything. Upon reflection, I am starting to see that most of the bad decisions I have made in my life stems from this vice. And that is exactly what it is.. a V I C E. For too long I let it control me and the way I think. Slavery in all possible ways. F U C K. Too much. I wanted to protect us from that because I am never satisfied. Yeah, this blows. Re-re-re-reduced.

Is it too much to ask? Too much too fast?

I will slit my wrists and

bleed all over these fucking walls

just to fucking break you.

This seems too familiar

I just want to watch you shine.

Why am I trying to fuck up the one thing that is keeping me sane?

This used to be a funhouse

Crazy week. Being busy is one thing, not even having time for the basic things, like meeting Justine, is another. Rawr. Always so dramatic. 1) Stained with guilt and regret. Every few months it just comes back, doesn't it? I guess you missed what little chance you had in the disgustingly short time that I was... Okay no there's no way that was ever going to happen. So what if you want me. Skank. My god, I am so. fucking. stupid. Did I really exchange everything for one selfish moment of fleeting excitement? Still paying for the cheap thrill. 2) I still want to be sitting inside your fucked up head. As torture. I can't believe they survived more than we ever will. It astounds me, thinking about how we were once so high and haughty on our pedestal. We were infinite. Were. The tragic difference is that they didn't fuck it up and around. Oh well. Maybe it really was more of my fault than I remember. 3) Pessimism aside, you brighten up the room. And while it may just be a tiny corner as of now, it still appears less dim. But as usual, I find myself questioning everything. This need to be needed is ridiculous. What will become of it/me when my life shifts back to.. the east? All these opinions bombarding left right centre north. Uncertainty. Sigh. I sorely miss the life I used to have.

Your taunting smirk behind the glass

Borderline

Well, I'm easily bored.

This will never be good enough.

Would you still love me?

if I hadn't

Sometimes desire consumes us all

I cause a lot of trouble without even fucking trying. I don't know why everything seems to collapse around me.. but it does. Maybe it's come to a point where I am the core of everything that's wrong. With girls and boys. Life. Mindfuck.. you were/are an abuser. Am I really on that level of self-destructing-insecure-emotionally-unstable girls?? Or well, was anyway. Your name remains the same, all that has changed is this pretty face. Let it go. Freedom and independence come hand in hand. I'm grateful that I get to start on a clean slate. Blank, empty for us to stain with our own mistakes. Sometimes I wonder if now is really all that worth it. Do you really think I'd just fuck off that quickly? How can everyone else be so sure if I myself have no idea? I don't know why I'm so fucking mean. I guess I just always want to get more. Or some. Hurhur. How did I get this.. old. Yearning for the quiet life because I've learnt that everything else is just a lie. Do you remember when you said "I think the meanest thing one can do is to show someone an entirely different world.. and then take it away"? I learnt to be this fucking vindictive from you, darling.

To feel your pain, you feel mine

Go inside each other's minds

Commit

Stubborn

I am ridiculously selfish.

Absinthe

Karen: You never made me happy.. you made me fucking insane

Hank: Seriously, I never made you happy?

Karen: I mean yeah, once upon a time you made me happy.. then you made me crazy. Then I was okay too for a while.. then I evolved.

I don't know why you love me

And this is what it's like rollin' with me. Hahaha. No but really. Fixing things, wondering how I ended up in my compromising positions, watching me self destruct. It is what it is, I'm not even sad to say. This week saw a lot of confusion and thinking. The best conclusion, perhaps of all time, is: "You're mean." And it's true. I just want you to be fucking miserable and really, I don't know why it's too much to ask. But more importantly, I do not wish to hear of how you are otherwise. It's not attachment issues, it's my pride. Well, it's my ego. It's me in all my selfish glory. Sometimes even I question myself. How can someone with so much ego and who's just such a mouthful.. be so lost? Life. On a brighter note, I have nestled myself relatively comfortably here.. wherever here is. Sometimes I wonder if I'm better than this and I still have not decided. I am so warped in my head that I believe that I am fucking untouchable. I can win anything because I can manipulate myself into believing I am above all. (Except that I am actually better than you because above everything, and that's a lot, I'm not on medication. Fucker.) But yes, I'm alright. Everything is alright, going smoothly, working out. Normally. Averagely. Alright.

And when you dream,

I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it

I will always be better than all of you.

Self actualization

"He's the voice inside your head.

Get it out."

Paradox

Do you know what it is to be a lover? Half of a whole?

Can you repeat the question?

I am dead inside.