Is it?

It's good

Isn't it grand? Isn't it great?

Isn't it swell? Isn't it fun?

..Isn't it? Nowadays

There's men

Everywhere jazz, everywhere booze

Everywhere life, everywhere joy

Everywhere.. nowadays

Do you care if I don't know what to say?

Yes, it happened again. Let's just not go there, I cannot handle people being disappointed in me. Nowadays things just happen, I don't think much for fear of overthinking and having everything explode in my head. Which is why I am caught in this situation I guess. I still have yet to decide whether this is good for me or not. On one hand, you make me feel safe in an environment where I am nothing. And for once in an extremely long time, I don't feel like I'm constantly being reminded that I'm just not good enough. And yet on the other, bad life decisions aside, I know I'm not. I don't know. Maybe it is too soon, not because I'm not over it but because I don't want to become a serial monogamist. Life. Speaking of which, work is fast becoming dreadful. Such unnecessary bitchiness. Honey, you're lucky I couldn't fucking claw at you. One thing I fucking detest about being on the lowest rung is that I can't stand up for myself. Which is where you making me feel safe comes in. Hmm. Being drastically ill and alone for the first time in forever has left me torn between wanting to believe in all the times you were there for me and all the times you really let me down. Instant memory: that first time you disappeared and the wise one said "I'm sorry but he's just not trustworthy". Hmm. I think I've pretty much chosen to under think everything. There is really no point in that at all and really, it's just not fucking worth it.

But you swear you love me more

The turn around

"I MUST HAVE BEEN OUT OF MY MIND. LOOK AT YOU. WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE?… SIT AROUND HERE ALL DAY. YOU CONTRIBUTE NOTHING TO SOCIETY. YOU’RE JUST TAKING UP SPACE. HOW COULD I BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU?… COULDN’T RESPECT MYSELF."

This life is a lie, none of it is real.

Why are you right about every fucking thing?

I fucking hate you.

This time, I will be listening

Lately I've been pondering the meaning of life (and the color of jellybeans and what not) a lot more than usual. Not in a sad way, just in a more meaningful way. Comfort zones have shifted dramatically but the change in scenery is nice. The erratic mood swings are not going away though. Some hours I'm jumping around and running my mouth and others are spent sulking in the corner, frustrated at the direction my life is heading. Caffeine crash. Some days I actually get scared that I might fall back into the depressing cycle of hopelessness again. But those days are few and far in between. It isn't anyone else but me, which makes it a lot more difficult to fix but it's easier to handle. Life. Though I must admit, I still get everything I want in some way or another. I'm not sure how I suddenly found myself in the middle of this whirlwind. The exception is that I almost find myself putting a great deal of blind fucking faith in the possibility of.. this. It's uncharacteristic. I think it'll be a great challenge for me to take it back to normalcy, to learn to be simple. Yet I know it's bad on so many different levels. One of today's greatest setbacks is, ironically, the past. Things I cannot run away from; what I used to be. While I'm a lot more settled now, some things will always be tainted. Everybody wants to fix the sad girl. I don't even want to start on how ludicrous it is.

Please don't get me wrong

All I wanted

Sometimes I almost wish you could still tell me what to do.

It reminds me that it's not so bad

The most important thing:

expectation-less

I like being all ambiguous and shit

It's strange how much can change in a week. And yet despite the lightning speed that life and people shift, some things somehow always stay the same. Nights at Buu's are always comfortable, even if no one's being sad or dramatic. Detangling dreams and being told, for once, that I am dealing with everything the matured way. On the other hand, (you have different fingers) I guess it's unfair of me to expect you not to change but I got scared that I'd lose you. What I love the most about us is that everything will always be okay. Except maybe for the random bursts of emotions for no apparent reasons whatsoever, but I'm told it's relatively normal. Ha. HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK: 2-in-1. Epic. I am so bad at life. SO BAD. For example, there are only about a million reasons why this just doesn't sit well. Emotionally unavailable vs emotionally unstable. I don't know how to or if I should even have any opinion towards this.. whatever it is. Maybe all I really need is just another bag.

Morning rain clouds up my window,

And I can't see at all