I should've just let it happen.

You looked like me on Sunday

Well. Here we go. I don't know what else to say anymore. Everything that was fast becoming nothing turned around and became something to worry about again. Seriously fucked it up, fuck up. All the anger and frustration and complete disbelief aside, I am hurt in a million ways. Nights by the green are never good. Never. Who is meaner, really? I want what I cannot have. I always want what I cannot have. It would be too weird. Who needs me anymore, really? I can't even fathom coherent thoughts, still. I am lost. Haven't I seen this all happen before? Will I ever be okay with this again? Do I have to go back to worrying about going away and coming back to nothing? Is it something that I really cannot have? Yes, maybe, yes and no. Above all, I really didn't think it would be you of all people. This is happening to me and I am fucking scorned. Maybe it was all a show of independence. Maybe I myself am just a show. Break up, make up, maybe baby (get it get it). This will not go down well; keeping score, striking out, matching up. Somehow I am damn sure I will never match up in your books. We will never be the same.

That was the girl I used to be

Shock.

What else am I supposed to care about?

Somehow nothing works out quite as expected. Work is more difficult than I had thought but it is definitely a lot more enjoyable than anyone expected for me. Surprisingly, I have disconnected from everything and everyone outside it and the new bubble that I have formed. An even limited number of people I can stand to talk to. And that's it. I am so lost that I am grateful for time alone. I don't even reach out anymore and it doesn't even make a difference anywhere. Every time you say something that hits a little too close to home, I actually wonder to myself if you are right. And really, you mostly are. Everything that gets way too tiring is instantly dropped nowadays. Just like that. I have been on a nasty rampage as well but that too, is not just my fault. I am so distant from everyone important to me that I don't even give a flying fuck anymore, much less a walking one. I don't care anymore.

The pieces don't fit anymore

You used to hold me

I desperately need to get away from all of this.

"What you must understand about me is that I am a deeply unhappy person"

Everybody knows

You get away with thing too easily.

the one I always hated

Icicles

Just because you can,

It doesn't mean it's good

This vacation's useless

Maybe I put way too much stress on myself. This week sounds more like it should, but feels wrong in all places. Going to school, a shopping spree (courtesy of my mother's credit card), a second attempt at cooking, surprising Am at work, a million fights and other recreational activities. Going out of my mind, really. I love it still, I do, it's just creating a rift between reality and what happens in my mind. A distance between me and everything. This holiday has really proven to me that detachment is not as difficult as I had imagined. Why should I indulge tantrums and finger-pointing? I don't always need attention, I don't always need company. Yet, that also proved how easy it is for me to stop caring, all it really takes is one day. Ironically, a day apart to not be able to stand being together. I know it's mutual. Is it really fair to blame the fantasies? Or is it really a distraction from the fact that the foundation seems to be weaning away? I don't want to be the only one who notices. Hmm. On a brighter note, things seem to be looking up on the job front and that really eases things. Also, this week I really learnt how lucky I am and how unfair life truly is. Undeserving is such a fucking understatement.

Do you care if I don't know what to say?

It doesn't mean you should

Everything

-------------

Nothing

Because your real life is tragic

Not working out already.