Tonight, I'm alright

I am afraid to even think of what I have done this week because it seems so insufficient. Zouk (finally), breakfast, massive fights, showing up at my door, etc. As dissatisfaction grows inside me, it dawns upon me that greed is what it is. What I have is never enough. What I have never satisfies me. Greedy for more days, more freedom, more ability, more commitment, more adoration, more more more. The only thing I need less of is myself. In so many ways. I have yet to reach the stage where I am grateful to simply be here and have a positive attitude. I am still stuck on being angry and filled with dread. Hurr. On a different note, the only debate that happens nowadays is the "am I in, am I out" one. Again. It is so easy to make this difficult. Sometimes I just want to be wanted. More. Needed, a lot more. But sometimes I am fine being perfectly alone. Basically, I just want to be every fucking thing. April, why did you have to come?

You let me fall

#003

Sometimes, we just need a little more attention

You're only almost here

And now we are a week closer to everything becoming nothing. Normal lifestyle: having coffee with girls at over-priced coffee joints, roaming around aimlessly only to plonk by the river, being Oprah, dying on Pau's bed, noodles and Jack D. Nomad-esque lifestyle: reading to each other, random decision to make grilled fish and butter rice and the long awaited trip. And yet at the end of each awesome day, a deep sense of dissatisfaction and emptiness follows me to sleep. Emotions running on overdrive and without reason. Honestly, I myself am at a loss for exactly why I react so erratically. And since it couldn't be the artificial come down, I am excuse-less. Perhaps I really am going crazy. Or I just have way too much on my mind. Or everything is exploding. Or just that, I feel lost. And yet you are, too often, no where to be found. Inside my mind, at least. Lost. It's the same cycle, really. In, out, yes, no? Where did the pining and yearning go? Maybe I am just too fucking free. No where to be found.

There's an awful lot of breathing room,

But I can hardly move

Drift

We've come this far, just hold on.

#002

Never depend on anybody.

#001

If you do not need, you do not hurt.

Summer days, drifting away

The anxiety has not gone away. In fact, as the days draw nearer, it gets worse and worse. Growing feelings of dread and emptiness keeps me up half the night, ironically wasting half the morning. And I understand how this has exploded in my head but my posting has not given me any consolation either. In fact, it probably added fuel to the inferno that is already burning. What a fucking drama queen. Hurr. This week has seen me doing nothing at Chai Chee, waking up at four, an impromptu trip to East Cost, the long awaited Alice, spontaneous supper at Kovan, receiving mail, a new book and some very interesting trips. Still, I am craving for more. Preferably with less wholesomeness. Hawhaw. Also: it has proven too difficult to detach. This week, the questions have all been centered around the idea of company. Of it's importance, how it is often misconstrued as feelings of attraction and love and of course, the great lengths one would go to satisfy their emptiness. Lonely nights are universal. Desperation is also universal. It's how we choose to handle it that sets us apart. And somehow we all seem to do it the same way. Not that I am one to talk, of course, since it still keeps me up.

We'll still have the summer after all