And my heart sinks like a stone,

A stone, a stone

And the tears don't even come, I feel so numb,

so swept aside, so dumb,

so dumb, so dumb

Stepping Stone

Carnivore @ CHIJmes

Breakfast -> Town -> A billion boys in one room ~

26th January

Well. There really isn't much to brag about. Really. The past few weeks has seen me living in my head. Dreams are never just dreams. Somehow they always end up being the gateway to insecurities. And yet the ones I have been having are getting more realistic, therefore more disturbing. The cloud that forebodes the storm. I almost cannot wait for it to just happen so we can finally get over it. It's not the everyday things that really gets to me. The life, I really can live without. It is the way I am treated. Stop. Honestly, I feel like a fucking second-class citizen. And maybe I am. I really am not being ungrateful, I am just so tired of this pity party. Everything and anything could lead to something which may have been something but really was nothing so... why. And call it my own pet peeve but I am back to feeling unimportant again. Which is ironic if you really think about it, in more ways than one. I'm falling back into this system where I am always the one going there and being sorry and making conversation and trying and being patient and being understanding and saying no it is entirely my fault and being sorry and being snapped at and basically being second-class. This post will kill.

If I'm wrong, I am right

We accept the love we think we deserve

Maybe it really is just you.

Tell me where it all went wrong,

Maybe I can make it better.

Colors that don't tell of any boldness

Where do I even begin? Time moves so quickly that it isn't long before we are left to an empty house, desolate and torn apart. Memories stain the walls. A million light years away; I told you this would happen. Serves as nothing but a reminder not to physically depend on something that heavily. Well. I always had a problem with that. Never-ending thirst. What I truly didn't see coming was the condemning questions and death stares of yesterday. And in that moment my heart drops and stops dead in it's tracks, all that time wondering "is this really, really it?" Information overlooked. I had no real intentions of hurt and devastation. Yet it's always too late to regret when it comes to me. Had I known: a million different much happier endings. A quiet lurch in my stomach. Acids wash over, burning holes in places there shouldn't be. I guess everyone was right; some holes can never be sealed, some hurt can never be unhurt. For you and I both. I know you don't owe me anything. Maybe you will never understand how it feels to have regret and remorse stem out of your inner core to fill your being, travel through my veins and arteries to express itself in tears and words (neither that help solve anything). Such incoherent thoughts. Where do you end and I begin?

And I knew that you meant it

I'm fucking crawling out of my skin.

Wondering how I could get so deep

I guess I felt safer with you were just around the corner.

I think you're really mean

Thus far, 2010 has been nothing but bleak and angsty. The last two weekends have been nothing but duds. Angry, screaming, crying duds. I should have just listened to my mother and gone. Maybe in an alternate universe, that would have worked out so much better. But in this one, everything seems to end in "Oh my fucking god. Are you fucking kidding me." School has become such a massive bitch that I barely find myself with enough space to breath. My family has also somehow decided that we are too poor to afford anything now so yay for me. And once again, every little word I say now has been put under magnifying glass. Even by people who clearly have no business in this, nor have a fucking clue as to how they come across. And for that, _!_ you. But that's beside what I wanted to say. As the days drag by, I find that everything has lost it's balance yet again. The long drawn battle between oversensitivity & insensitivity has come to really odd conclusion. Tables have turned so fast that I didn't even realize it was happening. And when I finally did realize, things had already accidentally been said and unnecessary screaming had already begun. But not on my part of course. Yeah it's not even the first time, therefore this inability to let it go. It's difficult to trust anyone with such leverage, whether or not it truly exists. And yet in the midst of this never ending chaos, it's even more difficult to actually feel important to you nowadays. Life.

Am I who you think about in bed?

Call it intuition

Don't say it doesn't exist if you act like it does.

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.

Joel: ..I know.

Clementine: ..What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

Nu Yeah!

(Still cannot actually believe them fuckers appeared out of no where)

I'm always going to make you feel

I don't need you as much as I really need you

So you don't use it to your advantage.

Nevermind me, nevermind me

I'll just cast shadows on your walls.

Nevermind me, nevermind me

I'll let myself out.