Prelims are almost over. ALMOST. Which means not yet, but of course I'm still here. Ha. Well.. I'm not gonna deny it. It hasn't really been going well. in fact it's been much worse than I expected. But let's not focus on that til the horrid things called results are released yeah? There's still A Maths paper two and Science MCQ to save me. Hopefully.
ANYWAY, I haven't been able to focus lately. I've just been thinking a lot about the holidays and all the awesome stuff I'll be doing then! Not to mention all the money I'll be spending. Ooohh. Not pretty. Let's see, Yoga, French, Grad Night dress, Grad night hotel. *cough* Tons of parties lined up after Os. And I so can't wait. In fact, thinking about it makes me realise that.. I think I need a job. Dammit. If it weren't for the damn obligation I probably would. Oh well. If you see me passing out flyers or something.. you know something's wrong!
Mmm.. I'm drained. Yeah I know everyone is, with good reason too. Everyday for the past five days has just been endless studying, worrying, fretting, dying. And the sudden harshness of it all only reminded me of how..over everything is for us. I mean, not being able to go through the mundane routine of school made me miss it all. Because all we've been really doing is just co-existing with each other, not enjoying each other's company, as we groan in misery about how bad the paper went. And truth be told, I dread going to sleep every night. I really do. Because all it does is shock me into realising that another precious day has slipped through my fingers and that all of the things I will one day forget is long gone.
And there are so many things I miss already. I miss having free time just to lay around my house not having to wory about not studying and exams and fuck. I miss going for ballet and knowing that I'm trying to do better instead of just giving up like I'm doing now. I miss not having to try to think of something to say to my friends just to keep the conversation going. I miss how we all used to just laugh and joke all the time. I miss just going to school and not listening in class because I can afford to. I miss going shopping and trying on new clothes and shoes. I miss not automatically registering people's use of a metaphors as a literary device in my head just to make sure I know it. I miss how we could just talk without this air of awkwardness between us because of our excessive knowledge of each other. I miss how quiet my house used to be. I miss the people I see everyday. I miss trying my best in an exam because I really haven't been doing that. No, I haven't been doing that at all.
Macbeth said "Why should I play the Roman Fool and die at mine own sword?"
Because it's easier.
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman?
If I'm alive and well,
will you be there holding my hand?
I'll keep you by my side with
my superhuman might.
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