"It's like being with yourself"

the same old fears

"Once upon a time, there was a boy. He lived in a village that no longer exists, in a house that no longer exists, on the edge of a field that no longer exists, where everything was discovered and everything was possible"

I was your silver lining

but now I'm gold

half of my heart

Redbull rush and a whole slur of words. Now I've been with a lot of people and nobody has actually said that I am a lousy other half before, not in so many words anyway. It struck a raw nerve, mostly because I know damn well it's true. But not to you. Fucking irony of life. In my defense, I will only give you what you give me. Which I guess on hindsight, does make me lousy. I'm selfish and I want to protect myself but let's face it, so do you. I don't want to change for somebody like you, somebody who can't even be honest with me and who only includes me in his life when it's convenient for him. My logic is that if I never changed for somebody whose given me so much more than you ever will, why would I change for you? Maybe age is getting the better of me. And the redemption word rears it's ugly, ugly head. Redemption is a fucking ironic word don't you think? Do I really think that being with you helps me redeem myself from the mistake I made years ago? Do I honestly believe that if I gave this a shot, I would feel less fucked up about my own fuck ups? No. I am so desperately clinging on to the hope that I would get to say, at least I didn't ruin everything I had for.. nothing. Nothing who thinks I'm lousy. Why are you even with me anymore? Child. What does it even mean to be a good other half, and are you fulfilling those requirements? I don't think so. But.. I can't be bothered.

I can only fall short for so long

the high won't hurt you here

A million rocky roads. It seems that you're clinging on to me with such dearness it surprises me. I know I hit you right where it hurts with all my ugly words, my true feelings about our state hanging densely between us. Why haven't you escaped from me and my words like daggers? Looks so curt they hurt, shooting across at you over the dinner table. If you think you are so much better than I am, why are you so insecure? YSL with YSL boy, the true story of my life. Greatest irony of all time would be that you can't even trust me. This is your fault you know that right. It seems the only real time we have together is when we're lying in my bed, sleeping effortlessly till the morning light streams in and you have to go. And I think I've ruined it with the truth. Our legal highs tangling our brains to think that it's okay to share. You and your feelings for me and me and my feelings about you. Life. You and your endless disappointments. In my head, when it's good it's grand. When it's bad, it's annoying. Money isn't everything sweetheart, especially if you don't have it. What truly surprises me (and this makes me sounds ridiculously cocky) is that you even dare to piss me off on such an ironic day. The annoyance I felt coursed quickly through my veins and coupled with alcohol, leads to an all too familiar situation. I begged for nothing to happen but of course, you promptly appear by my side to guard what's yours. Perhaps the most epic part of the evening was when we were sitting by my sidewalk waiting for the coast to clear, a fucking mirror image of myself two years ago with the previous boy.. and on such a night! I am beginning to draw an eerie similarity between you two.

Dark room baby,
I follow you

Your name is in my celing

Looks like the secrets out. Let the cat out of the bag and it hit me like a slap in the face. Still, I can hear the ringing in my head as the alcohol sends blood and adrenaline pulsing through my brain. I can't believe I don't remember any of it. That's great. And to think I savored the effortless sleep the morning after. I wonder what you are still doing with me if I really said all of that. If I were you I would've left on the spot. Unless you're just so desperate to be with somebody. Or it just doesn't matter to you how I feel about you. I really can't tell which is worse. On hindsight, I really shouldn't be surprised that 1) I drunkenly spilled my guts 2) it doesn't affect you much. Maybe you know it's true. Or maybe you've just withdrawn yourself. Or maybe it's enough for you. I still wish I knew you better so I'd at least know. It's not that I don't enjoy this, I do... when it's fun. But sometimes with your empty words and useless promises, I just want to smack you up the side of your head. I know I'm wasting my time and my logic is that I have time to waste. I want so badly to believe that what we have and you are real but.. I know better. I want to buy into this and make this worth my time; in fact, I think I want to more than you do because I don't think you're even capable of anything that's real if it means moving out of your comfort zone or giving something up. It makes me feel bad for you but it also makes me feel bad for myself knowing that I know what true relationships feel like and yet I still sell myself short. Life.

Now you're mine, you're mine again

Swear you'll never leave me

useless motherfucker