even if it's just pretend

am I getting myself in trouble?

it was alchemy

don't be scared cos I'm your body type

It is amazing how quickly this year has gone by. How has it already been like, six months since I've started working? It's crazy. I don't really know what to make of it all yet. My team is good and all, work itself is fine.. but where am I going? Not that it's a good time to start asking either, but meeting new people always makes you question whether your life is where it should be. Dodgy guys and sleazy faces and issues aside, I feel comfortable with the way things are now. Honestly, I can't see it ever being a good time for me to ask questions about my future because #denial. Meh. I think I need to make more friends. Like, decent non dodgy/ sleazy / over zealous friends. "Friends". Okay can. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wanna be good. I must, I should. But even if... how real is it? I'm not like 12 anymore, I don't know why I'm acting this way. Everybody's just one in a million; one out of a bunch of chats, one out of a whole bunch of names, one out of nothing.

just be good

please, please let's use this chance to turn things around

show me fuckin' mercy

The biggest mistake to ever make is to think that you're special. This applies to everyone and everything. I know this isn't the first time I'm thinking it but like.. why is everyone so cruel. Am I too old now to still be this naive? I mean, I know it isn't real and all.. BUT IT WOULD STILL BE NICE. I don't know who I think I am. It's a joke. I know I seem ultra butt hurt.. I mean I'm not, but I kinda am. LOL. I'm just torn.. torn between wanting a complete stranger to make me feel special (??) and doing the right thing. I wanna be a good girl, I really really do... but I also want to be special. Jesus. How old am I. I know I'm being a child, and such frivolous things shouldn't matter, especially since I know it isn't real. I know it isn't real. I know that what I have is real and good and true.. but I also want things I cannot have. This is perhaps my greatest folly; the inability to settle down. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I do, but it's fucking difficult for me. It's not even about people at this point, it's really just about me and the idea of having more. More more more, all I want is more. The situations seem to be getting really... farfetched. It's like I'm reaching so far for that idea, that mystery, that possibility. All I need is a little hope to latch on it, a little mystery to pique my curiosity. I need to grow the fuck up. Nobody is special.

little rag doll

I just wanna be a good girl

& you gon' have to do it at my tempo

Why is life so long. This weekend saw me chilling, shopping and generally living my life as comfortably as I want to.. whatever that means. I don't entirely understand why, but nowadays I'm starting to falter between enjoying my comfortable life and wanting something more. Okay, not necessarily more, as it is.. just something else. Right. Am I going to be this way my whole life? It's not that I don't appreciate what I have now.. it's just that I find myself wondering, is this good enough? #commitment Lately, it seems that the question "so where do you see yourself in the next blah blah blah" has been bombarded at me left, right, centre. Let's see..... I have no idea. It's frustrating because I'm just at the beginning of my.. adulthood (if you can even call it that), and I foresee a million challenges and awkward conversations ahead of me. And although it's tiding me over now, I know citing my youth can only take me so for. More importantly, I will only be young for so long. BLEAGH. Whatever. Everything else is going fine I guess.. but then again it always is. Yeah, it's fine. It's alright. It's going. Fine.