it's a little too late

to say that you're sorry now

we lied, we can't go on

Despite being in one of the most beautiful (and dirtiest) cities in the world, that was by far the worst birthdays to date. I am only comparing because you are so adamant on comparing yourself. I literally have no words for the whole experience. I despise that it makes me one of those girls. Yeah, we all know which girl we're talking about. The worse part is I'm really not even exaggerating for dramatic effect, it just.. is. In all it's bottle swinging, spit spitting, leg kicking, glass shattering glory. Well. It's over. I just don't know what is. Mind vs Heart, and we all know where my heart is. Me vs You, and you're bigger than me. No words for your nasty ones except 1) "LOL says you" 2) "is that all you have?" 3) "You know it's my birthday right?" #justsaying. Well. What happened happened. Trying to move on would be.. too much effort. Move on away from it or move on to different things? Everybody's disgusted face. "What can possibly cancel out such a horrific event?" Nothing. You don't have to tell me what I should know because we all know I know. The question is: What do I want? I guess it seems... it really just doesn't matter enough to hurt. And yet. Coming home to... everyone. Once, twice, three times a lady. All too late. Not that it matters.. right? The most shocking one causing a lump in my throat as I fight to choke back my tears. And in my own domain. Thank you for what you did there, truly. But back to the one at hand, it's just not something I want to let go off.. now.

Kinda always knew

I'd end up your ex girlfriend

I was nineteen, call me

So I guess that was my year. Let's see: Justine's birthday at MBS -> countless nights at Rebel -> finally getting rid of the crazy -> all while in my last semester -> well, then there was that -> surgery for the calazion in my eye -> annual visit to the Biennale -> Paris with thy family -> AFF & the day I met the boy -> Bintan with the girls -> getting fired -> getting tragically ill.. with a UTI -> Hong Kong with Justine -> getting shingles (herpes) -> Lykke Li -> YSL with YSL boy (LOL) -> being the powerpuff girls -> countless events with Kim -> generally ending up with Kenneth. And I quote: "Why your life like that one?" LOL. Despite the counting illness I contracted, the endless late nights at Zouk, missing my own graduation, the string of boys and the girl, the ridiculous amount of money I owe my father and the multiple jobs, 2011 was significantly better than 2010. Last year, I lost everything. Last year I found myself desperately searching for answers in all the wrong places. Last year, I clung onto unhappiness for fear of loneliness. Last year I was a coward. This year I finally let everything go.. well, most things. I got rid of the crazy, I got rid of the baggage. I got rid of my fear. For a good seven months I was single and I was fine. In fact I was more than fine, I was fun. The biggest lesson I learnt this year was that nothing is really as bad as it seems. I admit I still may not be making the best decisions (my luggage remains half packed as I stop to blog instead) but I like to think I have a clearer view of things. This year I finally got the confirmation that it may not be over just yet but I also know it's not happening now. And I'm more than glad. In fact, I feel like I've grown the most when it comes to relationships. With every one I learn what I have and what I don't have and I've been through enough to size them up and learn not to take certain things for granted. Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn about being matured and what not. Next year sees me beginning at a new school (hopefully) and honestly I can't see anything past the fact that I am leaving in about eight hours to our Parisian adventure so cheers to that, happy birthday to me and happy new year to all! xx

I feel you in my heart

and I don't even know you

I was unfaithful in your bed

so I blamed you for the rain

I blame you for my lost

we won't back down

Another night spent seething as I fall into the life cycle of a hobo with no responsibilities whatsoever. The nights are long and lonely, the days are short and fleeting. Only two ish more days to our Parisian adventure and I question the foundations of this entire.. idea. I say idea because it does not seem real to me right now. For one, I am showing tinges of green. Indulging in my paranoia and suspicion. No one's telling me you seem the kind but no one's telling me you don't either. If I unravel something... a million different possibilities but rest assured, a world of hurt for you. Promise. Sigh. And the above: "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Is that all it was: alcohol & some epic coincidences that found me collapsing home only to explode in a steady stream of tears? Maybe it's just... everything. You, him, her.. too many to deal with. And yet at the end of the day, the only one I crave for is you. Don't fucking mess it up. It is only beginning to hit me now that I'm really about to be whisked away to live like a hobo on the dirty streets of Paris (still think we should've slept on the streets). City of Love and all the other corny stuff I'm pretty damn sure will remain myths. Just tryna keep my head up though I really worry. I know there are some things I take too seriously for my own good. Too many thoughts jumbled in the mess that is my brain. December, December...

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

what you must realize

I'm more scared than anything else

I guess