but I know

I let the beast in too soon,

I don't know how to live

might mistake me for a heartbreaker

What an exhausting week. Life has it's ways of just slapping you around at the most unexpected of times, yeah? I know I've been talking the talk of leaving and growing up and doing what's best for me and all that jazz but well, for fear of you thinking I just talk big, I just can't. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going and so I am staying here. I think it would be the matured decision because let's be honest, I am a reckless mess and I will stay this way for a while. For now at least. Between my stupid obsession with not wasting my youth, my never-ending lust for the highs of life and my inability to remain satisfied and content with what I have, I barely survive here much less in a more happening environment. So. I think that's that. I think. This week really proved to me just how 1)impulsive 2)spoilt 3)greedy I am. I simply want too many things. I want to dream big but I want to stay safe. I want my freedom but I also want comfort. "Even you know that you can't have it all" . My first thought: but why not? Do I not deserve it all? Okay, let's not go there. Deserving is a touchy subject and honestly, I don't deserve half the goodwill I've gotten in my life. I am a terrible person who shouldn't be trusted. And yet I remain very lucky and I will always be grateful for that. Yet I know my luck will run out if I continue down my destructive path. I do need to be reigned in no doubt about it but the question is, can you in all your own reckless glory, keep me?


I know I can be a good girl,
But I've been bad before

the most epic one to date

but I'm not the same person anymore

have I always been a wreck?

let nothing go

So now I'm good and lost. Making life decisions is not my forte. This weekend just amplified the fact that I can't tell good from wrong. And you can't tell the truth from what you believe. I think the worse part is that despite knowing how delusional and reckless and disgustingly stingy you are, I'm still here. I wonder what it is that keeps me but frankly, I am getting bored. Perhaps it's because it is no longer feels mysterious. Or dangerous. (Except for that noon at home) It just kinda feels dumb. Sian. But more importantly. My future has now been put under the magnifying glass and I am scared out of my mind. What do I do now. Do I stay or do I go. Funny that just slightly less than two months ago I was so confident that I could deal with the change. And now that everything's set in paper and I am about to reject it, I am fucking freaking out. I think it's also because I've suddenly realized just how fucking spoilt I am and that's only because you don't spoil me like the others did. Cos you can't seem to look after even yourself and omg your disgusting stinginess. But that's again besides the point. I am having difficulties concentrating right now. Fucking distraught and stressed. This seems like quite a useless post.

We can leave this town

and run forever

get up and go

why do I have so little faith in myself

I know I can be a good girl

but I've been bad before