Hallelujah

27th Dec - Brunch at Kitty's

29th Dec - Epic Surprise at Pan Pacific

30th Dec - Dinner at Hard Rock

It's always just another number, and it's always just another day. Sometimes I just really cannot believe what kind of person I am. I don't quite know whether it was the amazing birthday that I just had, or this emotional rollar coaster I am on right now, but I have never felt more grateful for anything before in my entire fucking life. And I am just truly disgusted at how I treat everything and everyone. I am so fucking sorry to everybody who I have wrongly accused and I just really cannot fucking comprehend how I actually let such tiny minute details like that actually affect the way I feel about anyone (even if it's for an hour or just a day). Sometimes I am just so disgustingly caught up and self-absorbed and for that I am truly sorry. More importantly I am so fucking sorry that I actually believed that one's worth to me and their entire relationship can actually be weighed by the number of physical appearances how many times a year. I cannot even begin to put into words the overwhelming gratefulness I feel to everybody who has made this week so fucking complete and just fucking amazing, even in the smallest way. Even my parents. And I may not always show it and I may not always be there and I may be momentarily extremely angry at you for like a day or two for no apparent reason; but I really am just fucking grateful to the people who are still here for me over the years and the distance and the differences. You guys truly mean the world to me and I know for a fact that I really am not just saying that. (and of course I honestly cannot even begin to think about how grateful and sorry I am to Adam without like.. seriously bawling) Thanks for making this the most epic birthday ever<3

This circle never ends

This is exactly why I wanted to be alone.

It won't break even

I don't know where to begin. Christmas this year was surprisingly lovely. Everything that follows never is. I am at my wits end with everything, in line with the end of yet another year I suppose. I knew that things cannot possibly be this peachy. 2009 may not have sucked shit but it definitely had it's fucked up moments. As it does every year I suppose. I guess you might even call it a tradition: Every year I fight internal and external battles regarding everything and everyone around me and every year you all have still somehow never failed to bring me back up. This year's horizon looks far from complete. I am quickly losing faith in everything I used to believe in and I don't even give a fuck anymore. While the rotating axis around what I had once called my constant is appreciated, I cannot deny that it is the core that depresses and excites me more than anything else. That's just the kind of girl I am. And despite the horrible reputation the years have stuck on us, I somehow still always believe that somewhere inside we are not what everybody believes we are. And yet I have been disappointed time and time again. I'm going to take the blame for this one. Maybe I am just being hormonal, or maybe it's just the dreaded cycle, or maybe I've just come to expect too much from everything. Maybe expecting even the tiniest form of company from anybody has become too much to ask. Yes I am talking about the disappointing(disappearing) axis as well. I don't even miss any of it. I don't know what I mean and what I don't mean anymore.

You could never see it through my eyes

And I'm too tired to try

Number 2 revelation

Still trapped in a box.

Number 1 revelation

Did not play nice this year.

More than just holding hands

These holidays just really suck. I'm just fucking sick of everything. Every time I step into school, I die a little on the inside. Sick of the company. Sick of the workload that never seems to get done. Sick of being sick; pills just really get to you. Wrong weekend for everything I suppose. Or it's just been a long time coming. Too much of anything drives me up the wall. I hate being alone in pictures. The dreaded week is drawing nearer as more and more questions and complications arise. Sick of being dependent and fucking reliant, especially when I am constantly reminded that I will never be the most important girl in your life. Yes, I mean it exactly how it sounds every single time. Whatever. It makes me miss (out on) so many people and so many things. It makes me feel like the kind of girls I cannot stand. It makes me hate you and more importantly it really makes me hate me. And it makes my birthday feel hollow and forced, thus the intense dread. Another reason for all this hatred is the prick of jealousy and nostalgia when watching something fresh unfurl when I am so far down from that that everything has become insert-word-here. Such is (my) life. I think I just really need to get out more.

I must be sure from the very start,

That you'll love me more than her

It really makes me feel so alone.