Number 1 revelation

Did not play nice this year.

More than just holding hands

These holidays just really suck. I'm just fucking sick of everything. Every time I step into school, I die a little on the inside. Sick of the company. Sick of the workload that never seems to get done. Sick of being sick; pills just really get to you. Wrong weekend for everything I suppose. Or it's just been a long time coming. Too much of anything drives me up the wall. I hate being alone in pictures. The dreaded week is drawing nearer as more and more questions and complications arise. Sick of being dependent and fucking reliant, especially when I am constantly reminded that I will never be the most important girl in your life. Yes, I mean it exactly how it sounds every single time. Whatever. It makes me miss (out on) so many people and so many things. It makes me feel like the kind of girls I cannot stand. It makes me hate you and more importantly it really makes me hate me. And it makes my birthday feel hollow and forced, thus the intense dread. Another reason for all this hatred is the prick of jealousy and nostalgia when watching something fresh unfurl when I am so far down from that that everything has become insert-word-here. Such is (my) life. I think I just really need to get out more.

I must be sure from the very start,

That you'll love me more than her

It really makes me feel so alone.

Never something I could hide

Why we are still friends truly escapes me.

Looking for ourselves sober

So I've been missing for a while now. Above you see: long awaited birthmas presents, studying for tests, ladies night @ Zouk and the weekend spent living with the Sanusi's. Cooking, eating, waiting, cabbing, eating, waiting, sleeping. Kor Han you have failed me for the last time! Hee. And I think the most satisfying part was that the sobriety hardly got in the way of comfort and company. Wish I could say the same about my shoes; you really would think that anything that cost that much money would be comfortable. Hurhur. School work and my birthday and my future and all these other things are crashing on me. Holidays my ass. And yet I still cannot wait to just shove this shit aside for just a(nother) tiny getaway. Okay I lied. It's not exactly crashing down on me, it's hovering dangerously above me.. as I blog. HA. My excuse for my disorganized, disoriented and distracted mind? December. A year ago, I was drunk-dialing and depressed and hurt and all that other melancholy shit. 2009 and I am sadly sober but still really quite fine with everything. For now anyway, for now.

Just don't let me down.

No way I'm trusting this

Fucking never-ending abyss of disappointment.

This memory remains just a tiny spark

Typical December behavior. Everything just seems hollow and undeserving. Even on the best of days I return home with a nagging feeling of unfulfilled-ness. And in the early morning, fleeting moments of gratitude and or regret flirt it's way through the clutter of unhappiness. No, it's really not just in my head. Though logically, it' pretty stupid when you think about it. Worrying and dreading December the whole year because it symbolizes the end of another year, and the end of so much more. And at the same time, dreading January because that symbolizes the start of a whole new year. Then you start think "Oh my God it's only January, when will this be over?" And then you just start dreading December again. What a fucking stupid cycle. But then again December brings the dreaded trio holiday celebratory thing that fucks with my mind like no tomorrow. Which then involuntarily tosses school into the backburner. Wish I could say the same about SIP (which is unfortunately, all I talk about now). Meah. If I didn't have such a huge fear about ending things, I'd be so easily liberated by all these strangling thoughts. Roar. That is too easily said. Somehow or other, I always expect to be alone for the holidays. And I almost rather be. These intuitions are so difficult to explain.

We tried so hard to understand,

But we can't