This circle never ends

I feel like the line which divides what is real and what is not has been blurred considerably. Or perhaps it's just too much wine. The past few days have seen me lost in indulgence: shopping sprees, manicures, sushi and wine. Friday night was spent abusing someone else's pool in someone else's world, a strange escape from my own. Saturday night was spent alone in bed revisiting thoughts and feelings I have seemingly forgotten. What is real to me might not be real to anyone else sitting at the same table having pancakes at seven in the morning. So how is it that I see the realness in everyone else's but mine? Mine is filled with debauchery and scandal, one where family and loyalty come second only to one's self interest. One where mutual relationships are built on give or take, use or be used. One where companionship is never stable for fear of being fucked over. A world I have carved for myself. Brilliant.

And I think that it's time,

This battle must be won.

I'll let myself enjoy this one

Midnight Blue.

Decadence and debauchery.

Indulgence and surreptitious liaisons.

Liquid escape

Coursing through my veins.

Lights blur and soften around me.

All I feel is this moment,

This intensity.. you.

Yes you,

We're absolutely electric.

My first (real) mistake

For once I have no explanation or excuses and I doubt I will come up with any. First of many I am sad to say. And whilst I am definitely apprehensive, I am also strangely tantalized by this world I have magically unlocked for myself. Regret slowly leaves me (for now), like blood seeping through an open wound. The title I seem to have.. misplaced is ugly and accusing anyway. The only thing plaguing me is time, or lack of it. Its condescending face taunting me, making me feel small and cheap. Well, life isn't perfect I suppose. Other than that, familiar thoughts and memories are rampant in my mind these days and I find an unexplainable comfort in that. It is what it is and I'd be more than happy to go back, though it isn't possible. The same yet different in the best way I could have asked for. Now now now. Sometimes I actually tend to forget, which is odd cos it was once all I knew. Aaah life. This week's off on a good start and I'm hoping it sees me through.

It's always gonna come right back to this.

I say goodbye to a way of life

Emptiness. Words float around me, agendas fall off the list one by one, time slows to a trickle. My breathing grows low and steady. Blank eyes conceal a string of disturbing thoughts. I am quietly distraught. Fun-filled mornings and passionate nights are long forgotten. All I can hear is my own breath. All I can see is these four walls. The blinding white lights, too harsh too cold. People watch me through glass windows, their faces old and forlorn. My eyes grow tired and weary, my being is listless. I am not safe here. I am not safe anywhere. My existence in this moment is but a void, a black hole.

I wish I hadn't seen all of this realness

And all the real people

Are really not real at all

Don't say we're not meant to be

I feel so much older than I remember. The acute sense of loneliness I couldn't seem to shake is now becoming too strong to ignore. I feel like I have lost a life, well actually two. Planning a Hong Kong trip for five because my father is a prick is incredibly frustrating. While I (somewhat) understand his side and fully agree that my lifestyle is way too extravagant for a barely-legal smallish chinese girl, I can't help but expect it anyway. I am spoilt and sore and doing it myself. Deal. My lifestyle is still hanging by that thread and it will either make or break me. Both ways. I feel like (and I don't know why it's only hitting me now) I have given up my life of familiarity, cosiness and fucking security for.. this. Sometimes I'm not even sure what this is; delinquency, cheap thrills, emptiness. What has she done to you? A friend mused playfully. I giggled along, pretending I didn't catch on that she had meant it. Aaah the remnants will always be; I deal with yours and you, with mine. See it's not so bad.. till things pile up! Hawhaw. I think I am a lot more alone than I had thought. 

They're black,

They're so cold,

They're so imperfect.

Vacuum Pack

I have lost more than I thought.

Come back and haunt me.