I guess I'll really never have it again

one more night

what if I never see you again?

show me show me show me a better plan

A million thoughts swimming through my brain right now.. and always. I want to say it's chill and I'm fine and I don't feel anything.. but that's clearly not true. I'm not entirely miserable.. but I am not functioning at 100% either. Where do I start? You're making this more difficult than it needs to be. I understand it's difficult to accept why this has to happen, but pretending it isn't happening isn't going to make it go away. Why can't you just be a man about this, or about any fucking thing? I know you think it's easy for me to just give this up and move on with my life. It is not. If it was, I would've done it ages ago. Why can't you grant me this one last thing? Maybe I don't deserve it.. I don't know. All I know is that you're making it harder than it has to be. You're crippling my self-esteem. Not that I expect to feel fucking amazing about myself in the midst of a break up, but you not even fucking showing up, not fucking trying and not fucking leaving is making me feel like shit about myself. The whole last year of being with you really took a toll on how I view myself. I stopped mattering to you anymore.. and vice versa. Every single time we choose something or someone else over each other, only showed me that I am not deserving of love and attention. I am aware it sounds fucking stupid, but it's just what happened. The scary thing is I chose not to see that this was happening.. but I knew, in fact we both knew, that this was making me miserable. Please, please I am begging you to stop doing this to me. I am not trying to play victim here, I know I fucked up as well. I know I am also to blame for the demise of our relationship. I know I acted out, I know I was easily distracted, I know I took you and your easygoing ways for granted. Those are things I will need to live with as well - the choices that we made that got us here. But I'm trying to do this for me. I need to be selfish right now. I need to fix this for myself. Please understand that.

I want 'em all

alternating between nervousness, anxiety, self-consciousness and doubt

&

absolutely not giving a shit about any of this

paint my kiss across your chest

lovefool

Why does it always come down to this? Why? Why is it so difficult to find something real, something that will last, something that makes sense? I am so tired of being lost and mindless. What should I have done instead.. Instead of taking that chance 4.. no 5 years ago? No. I am being childish. I know what the problem is. The problem is me. Me in all my selfish, stubborn glory. This was my own fucking fault. I saw the signs years ago - I saw the decay in the foundation, but chose to turn a blind eye. I chose to struggle along, with this anchor dragging along behind me. My mind wandered to every stranger that walked by as a means to distract myself from this tragedy. And now I have the fucking audacity to ask why did this happen to me. It's fucking precious. I made a mistake. In fact, I made a whole bunch of mistakes. But I am trying my best now to make it up to myself. I am trying my best to be positive, to take the necessary steps forward, to change. Perhaps the most trying part is facing the fact that I am actually more miserable than I choose to believe. This numbness.. it is only fleeting.

Your faith is strong

But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than
half of my heart

She walked away,

well, her shoes were untied
and the eyes were all red, you could see that we'd cried
and I watched and I waited 'til she was inside
forcing a smile and waving goodbye