you knew it was a snake

Perhaps I have finally come to an impasse between my mind and my heart. Honestly, I am fucking conflicted about how to feel. I am truly angry, and yet I somehow feel strangely calm and disconnected from the whole thing. You just had to do it, you just had to tell me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't keep believing you, and buying into this I'm so god damn innocent act. I can only take so much. I know I'm not anything to shout about, believe me I know this, but.. god damn it mang. I wanted so fucking badly to believe that maybe this is something good, that I finally have something in my life to really put my faith in. I know that was my own fault, since there hasn't really been a reason to think so. But I really felt that maybe you really did love me. And that maybe, just maybe, I really do love you. But what the fuck does that even mean? I know that this is the sign I've been looking for. I know this. This has just become fact at this point. But, I'm just not fucking ready.

and you will think that I've moved on

yes, I think we've met before

indifference is killing me

Well. I guess I finally hit THAT age. It's all downhill from here. Well. A whirlwind week flew by, from King's beds to fancy shoes, never-ending glasses and of course, the loves of my life. Today was the first day back to work for the year. I honestly have no idea what 25 has in store for me, but I do know that I will not let myself get too comfortable with where I am. If I was forced to pick a resolution for the year, it would be to stop being so passive with my life. As one very wise girl once told me, one has to be active in their quest for happiness. Although I am still an extremely jaded and guarded person, I do hope that I will slowly let go of this cynicism I have so stubbornly harboured. That will be a long and difficult journey, but if there's one thing I've learnt at 24 is that time truly does heal. Perhaps the most amazing aspect of the celebrations this year was that I seem to have finally let go of all the emotional baggage that had weighed me down for so long. No hot tears, no whiskey-fuelled thoughts. Just good vibes with the best. I know I protect myself too fiercely, I'm skeptical of most, I'm untrusting and untrustworthy. This is part of my hardened shell, it'll take a tremendous effort to shake off and learn to be better. But if ever I am that way, please remember that sometimes I am too defensive of my own way. Sometimes, I don't mean to be rude and childish and ungrateful and distant. Sometimes, I want to be open and to learn about your life and to share with you. But sometimes, it's just too difficult for me.