but they just disappeared

the fool on the hill

Gonna just be a quick one, I feel that I need to pen down my thoughts and or explain the constant whining about this and that. I'm so sick of feeling so sentimental about something that was really nothing. I'm going out of my mind with this bullshit. I wish I wasn't so easily bored, I wish I was the kind of person who was easily satisfied. Even more than that, I wish I was a good person. But I'm not, and here we are, never going to see each other again. Can't say that I didn't see this coming. We both know that there were really only two chances to ever see each other again.. and both of them have now come and gone. It's okay, because neither of us really wanted that to happen. Mysteries of life and whatever other bullshit right? Right. This would never have been real. It was foolish of me to believe even in the slightest that I had stumbled into something true. It makes me sad to think about it, because despite that story I tell myself, we used to be pretty close. When I think of all that time we actually spent together.. well. I'm almost impressed because that's just way too much time to put in for whatever superficial shit this turned out to be. RIGHT O. I know I'm just being overly sentimental.. If I had kept a clear head from the start, I would've been smarter about it. I mean, I told myself that I wasn't getting into it.. but please. Even I'm not that heartless, despite what you think. Well. Just gotta live and let it be, I suppose. What is life without a little harmless fun? Right O.

no point being sentimental, cos

it never even mattered, right from the start

you don't need nobody else

all I want is

that slow fadeeeeee

how deep is your love?

The last two weeks have been a blur of wine and house parties and more wine and questionable messages and sake and wine and bad decisions and wine. So much wine. From christmas house parties with the usual, to the never ending birthday celebrations like bruh, how many times do I need to celebrate this shit? My body is now 24. Ugh. I know we are still young but I somehow believe that we are indeed coming to the end of our prime. I hate that we just cannot do anything about it. Ugh. Whatever. I feel like I'm trying to force myself to feel something about whatever happened in that weird sake haze. I even feel like I was tryna force myself to feel something then, other than like oh, so this is happening. I mean like, how many million times do we need to have this fucking conversation. I'm so fucking over trying to apologize for something that happened a million years ago. Like, I really get it. I would be the exact same fucking way if I were you. But I'm not you.. nobody is. This is going to be the last fucking time I talk about this so I'm just gonna get it all out there. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I reckon this was how you felt circa 2015 when I was desperately reaching out for you when you were no longer there. And no, we don't need to talk about what happened because it just doesn't fucking matter anymore. I'm so over bitches tryna force it down my throat.. like, it just doesn't fucking matter. None of this matters. None of us matter.. not enough anyway. I learnt this shit the hard way. None of us are special. I wanna say I've been burnt before, but I know I would be being dramatic.. but I still kind of feel that way. There was a time when I believed in the One, in genuine feelings, in the ultimate idea, in that happy ending. But now, all I see out there are false intentions, vengeful words and these stupid meaningless games.. and all for what? For the meaningless attention, the empty affection, the misleading sense of victory and pride that comes with flirting with someone absolutely fucking fleeting. I'm over it. I'm over all of it. I'm just done with all this fake shit.