This was three towns ago by now. I can't fucking believe it's mid terms already. Just the idea of going home and not being in Japan is fucking giving me anxiety. I'm sorry for everything I really really am. I know there is no point in saying this because nothing is going to change, or at least it seems that nothing will be done by me to change things. I love you so so much that it hurts me. Like, it physically hurts me. I walk around with this ache inside of me, dull and throbbing. And so I run. I run away from how I feel with money and pills and things and any other feeling that can possibly felt that isn't how much I love and adore you. And I need you I really do. But. (there is always a but, isn't there?) But I love you too much and I need you too much.. that it just doesn't make sense anymore. That it isn't right and it isn't good. I would (and have) crack my fucking ribs open to pull out my guts for you.. but let's face it, what fucking good would that do for either of us? And maybe it's really true that there's no better way to get my attention than to ignore me. This is just proof that I'm simply not old or matured enough for this and for you, and by law of nature, I never will be. Just like how I will never be good enough. Flashback to the crack in your voice when we finally spoke about the dreaded white elephant between us. If you think you know how it felt then to not feel good enough, think about how I have felt since you left me. Because that is basically and factually what happened. You left me. You left me with nothing and no one, with a bleeding heart and fractured skull, abandoned for dead or more specifically, for whichever unlucky bastard to come by and try to salvage whatever's left of me. And because I fucking know how that feels, I never want to do that to you. I never want to put you in a position where you would feel like you're the one at fault, like every single person in your life is against you or to completely shatter you, the way you have completely shattered me. I would never want to do that to you because I know how that feeling of inferiority and fucking obsessiveness never leaves you. I know I always say I'm incredibly jaded in my life because of the last couple of years blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is, this disgusting insecurity and weariness I feel stems from the night you left me. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I am always paying for it and I'm sorry I'm always sorry and I'm sorry that I think I understand how you feel because of how I felt. Because I know I will never fully understand how you feel, because you are you and I am me. And because I am mean, and it makes me so ashamed of myself. I can be so mean sometimes and I hate myself for it but I just do it as some sick form of protection. But you're right, you are always right. I will never understand exactly how it is you feel. And vice versa.not only in love, I was obsessed
No comments:
Post a Comment