I'd drive straight off the edge

So many things are always happening yet none seem to matter that much. Shall we start with the current one? I say current because to me you are as fleeting and as trivial in my life as a wave crashing upon the shore. It is becoming painfully obvious to me that the only impact you will ever leave on my life came and went years ago, and only because it wasn't about you at all. When will you learn that this is Life: if you're lucky you get as much as you give, never more and almost always less. Unless of course you're one of the lucky ones and sweet baby jesus, trust me when I say that you most definitely are not. (I'm sure your mother says otherwise) I am not being harsh, I am merely being honest. If you were so special you wouldn't be so insecure of yourself and so fucking jealous of every single person around you. I just want to sick around long enough to see if it is even possible for you to hold down another relationship. I've put the gun to your head months ago and now I have it cocked and fully loaded and you are daring me to shoot it. Motherfucker. Moving on (soon enough), this weekend I found myself sitting at the top of the city and coming to the realization that I still have a lot of unresolved issues. I think you're just messing with me by now. It's been too long for it to matter.. and yet. I want nothing more than to be younger and wiser. Or better yet, never to have had anything real before because now that I know how it feels, it's too difficult to live otherwise. I think we all know what I mean.

restore life the way it should be

one more spoon of cough syrup

it still makes me so sad

happy birthday

You be my Arthur Miller

and I will be your Marilyn Monroe

If I never see you again

I will always carry you

inside

outside

on my fingertips

and at brain edges

and in centers

centers

of what I am of

what remains.

you are the unforecasted storm

I am both relieved and sad to finally realize that I am not crazy. A casual flip through my own space saw me clicking with great curiousity and a sense of dread with Snow Patrol's "Signal Fire" playing in the background. "There you are standing right in front of me"... except you're not. I guess you can say I started it, though it did surprise me to see a response. Cos I mean 1) you think everything about you ah 2) its been a long time. Too long almost. Instantly my mind darts the darkest places, you and your dark intentions. I'm too old for this. Okay no, I'm not but.. I should be. Well. Anyway. This week saw the extremely sad leaving of one of my best friends to some far flung land to pursue her life ): I just hope the gaping hole in my social life thats been left behind won't feel too empty. Also, I will be starting school soon (FINALLY) and though it seems daunting, I am mildly excited to have some structure in my life again. Mehh. Need to get my shit together, need to enjoy my life, need to find some stability, need to have some fun. What's new brah.

hold me close

cos I need you to guide me to safety

animosity

there will come a time, you'll see

It has been a long week, but a fun one nonetheless. I have come to several conclusions this week. 1) I don't want to be old 2) Neither do I want to be young 3) I'm not very good at concluding things. Well. I have so many social issues. Some things I should not have said and somethings I should not have had said to me. I wonder if it's simply payback, though it doesn't seem the kind. 21 is seeing many chances already, with people leaving school starting etc. Despite all the years and all the petty fights and animosity and above all, all the boys , it's good to know that some things just still don't change.

"and a very good criminal"

" With you inside me... Comes the hatch of death... "