I'm tired of the sunset

A string of endless nights. Where do I even begin. The first one saw me seeing green, or well seeing red. It's like you don't wanna look but you can't help but stare and wonder why it's not you. Hurhur. Not that I really wanted it to be me, it's just the jeluz person I am. Your uncalled for rage. Pfft. The next night was well, I don't remember. I have a problem with attention. Heck, you could even attribute it to clinginess. It's pretty straightforward really, a million times over. It's so unhealthy, it's destructive and yet I let it happen. The less I get, the more I desperately crave. Maybe I'm really not suited to be.. tamed? But I am, I know I am. I know I'm that kind of girl, I have it in me to settle down away from the glitz of the lights and empty highs. In fact it's really what I want, I just can't seem to do it.. now. An over emotional night coming off not getting what I want. I wonder if you realize I am in the midst of a giant tantrum. A storm is brewing above me as I sit like a petulant child in my corner sneering, scorned and now adamant that you also don't get any. Even if it means gritting my teeth and biting my tongue. So so much mistrust. I think it reflects badly on myself; I fear you would do to me what I could do to you. I take my own capabilities and reflect it onto you, and because of that I also can't trust. It's really not you so much as it is.. me. Well. What's new. It costs waaaay too much around here to fuck up -.- You little bustard. Moving on. I struggle to understand why the lack of connection affects the dynamics of our favorite past time, when having no connections whatsoever never made a difference before. It doesn't make sense to me unless things are finally.. falling apart.

what you got

is what you wanted

I said

'Honey I don't feel so good, don't feel justified

Come on put a little love here in my void,'

he said 'It's all in your head,'

and I said 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it; I thought he was a man

But he was just a little boy

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

At least you'll know I'm not a liar

running over the same old ground

I don't know what's wrong with me. This intense ache. This acute sense of sadness. I can't run from it. It really doesn't take a wasted night to realize it, it's the cause of the night itself. Crashing home only to have a complete and utter breakdown, questioning every aspect of my life as these painful thoughts and alcohol pulse through my brain. I just can't fucking live with myself. It's like I fuck up every chance I get. I fuck everything up. I am making a conscious effort not to, I just do. And that's the worst part, I genuinely try not to. I simply can't. It's disgusting, the way I think and how invincible I think I am. I can't fucking live with myself. It just really boils down to the fact that I am simply not happy with my life at the moment. I don't know why it's always on my mind. I do not exaggerate, it is always.. always on my mind. I cannot escape it. Redemption is a load of shit, I am living my fucking nightmare. Good for you, good on you because your fucking plan worked and I will always be miserable now thanks to you. I am not winning this. The only thing I win is that I'm in love with what I have, and yet the notion itself makes me sick to the core. Life's great irony. I am extremely tired from carrying this dead weight every fucking minute of every fucking day. Some days I cruise along feeling just short of enough. It's like I got the smaller half of the pill and I can feel it tingling in my brain and I can feel the waves of sensations grazing my skin. It's like I can feel the bubble of energy pushing up from my core and I can feel it rising. And I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm waiting for the push, the final surge. At the peak of my anticipation, I am waiting for the complete eruption of happiness.. but it never comes. And maybe it never will. And I am hoping so fucking hard, I want to believe it sooo badly. I want it all. I want everything. And I am fucking scared it will never reach that stage. And even if it does, it's really just... empty.

Did they get you to trade

your heros for ghosts?

I just miss my best friend

Cos it's too important to stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

ain't for you

oops

back at your door

Not sure why I thought I'd have a drama-free night. Exited only to be greeted by you in your.. whatever the fuck it is you call clothes waiting impatiently like this was my fucking idea. It's like, chill da fuq out bruh it was only a fucking penguin. LULz. Everybody's like.... why?! and I can't explain myself either. These days I find my mind involuntarily drifting to... that. I guess the real question is.. how the FUCK do you KNOW?! It's like I have a sign stamped on my forehead that says "NOT YOURS". You must be krazy to put up with this. Everyone else was. The worst part is I'm really trying my best with this one. I don't know what it is that keeps pulling me away from you; other than your frankly stale sense of humor, your incessant irritating nagging, this pressure and the increasingly glaring fact that you will always pick that fat chinese boy over me. Which I am fine with, except what's the point of acting like I'm so fucking important when 1) I'm not 2) you don't know what it means to feel important. See. The bitchiness is kicking in and my feelings are honestly, weaning. I just think it's fucking sad because I am fucking trying my best not to let it slip because I don't want to have wasted my life on this.. twice. To be fair, it is painfully parallel to the time of my life.. just the milder, less epik version which frankly, makes this so much more difficult.

take my tongue,

go have some fun

you will never love me again

too much pressure

mission impossible

This past week saw me spending too much time rollin' around in bed. The one above to make up for the lost night, the spontaneous night and the weekend night. I've seen too much of the day break; morning light streaming in as we awake from a clumsy slumber to the most appropriate song (I get around) to creep down the stairs we creeped up the night before. Indulgent to say the least; the syrupy afterglow of tangled limbs. Perhaps it's the romantic notion of being doe-y eyed in soft, yellow light that's clouding my version of this. I noted an interesting level of intimacy as I watched you maneuver around my room almost too easily, picking up this and tossing aside that. These plans are just dreams at the moment what with authority that needs to be konsulted and what not. Not dreaming too big for sure because you've still kept your keen sense of reality. "It's not the next step, it's just companionship and what not" As much as it stung to hear, it did relieve a great deal of worry on my end though let's face it, I am far more realistic to say that it already is the next step, no matter how much you deny it. Well, we can dream I guess. I wonder if I've let it become too much of my world already but there's really no use denying that I'm just that kind of girl.

we're on a mission and it's outta whack

Here I come when I better go

I say yes when I oughtta say no

I get around

young lovers with their legs tied up in knots

You don't need poltergeists for sidekicks

Last night's display of screaming and shouting is something I think is worth turning my back on. September went out with a bang, as it always does. The d-d-down after the high of the previous day at the beach and an epic dinner with thy mothership. You are psychotic. No where near as psychotic as the last one but psychotic enough to surprise me despite the obvious signs (ie the endless fb msgs) kreep. What the fuck at you and your disgusting stubborn-ness. And last warning to my mother and her sympathetic voice. What was even happening there?! You put me in an incredibly tight spot and I fucking detest you for it. You asked me if I regret what I did and truth be told, I am really beginning to. Redemption is a fucking myth. A ruined night spent with you trying your best to cajole me and my temper, me and my ugly words. I see pride isn't your obstacle. Your disgusting self-centeredness is. You get everything you want, even if it means you have to work for it. I'm a bit different that way, I don't expect to have to work for it. To me, having to work for it or spend an entire evening buttering someone else up = losing. Because it isn't instantly getting what I want. Maybe that's why you seem to get what you want more, simply because you're more willing to work for it. Well, I just give in because 1) it takes too much effort I can't be bothered to put in to purposely not give it to you 2) I normally want the same thing 3) if I want to defy you, it means I care. Heh. Last night just proved that when I fight, I don't fight fair. It's really quite disgusting.

I've been ghosting along