the way you move ain't fair, you know?

The beach getaway. The most dangerous trip I have ever made across the border. Someone ought to be shot for that, really. Fumbling around numb as hell (though I must admit, I do impress myself when in such situations). Life. Pleasant, comfortable girly time - a good break from the constant worry of school and the future. And came home to a decent job with a less-than-stellar pay, but it'll do for now. Things are moving forward quickly, as it should. If only I could say the same for you, cos you my dear seem to be stuck in the same place I left you like 5 months ago. It's time you grow up, get up and go. I worry about you, I honestly do. It's just that the way you talk to me and the things you do make me want to punch you in the face. And I can't hold your hand through this, but only because you clearly can't handle it. Ugh. On the other hand, I find myself delving deeper into this mistake. That was an interesting night, to say the least. Totally typical situation.. that I've actually experienced before. It's like I never learn. A million and three lectures later and I still find myself here. I'm stubborn and stupid like that sometimes. Not wishing to think of the consequences, though it's the emotional aspect that truly worries me. Yeah I know you're not the most decent but let's be honest, neither am I. Along with the (actually super mild) bad influences you bring, it all just doesn't add up to enough. You're really not that special, though it does humor me how eerily familiar this all feels. I wonder if people look at me like that, cos it seems it's just a much more severe mirror image of myself and I'm not sure if I like what I see.

He talk like this 'cause he can back it up

Now I've got a taste, I wanna explore,

Ain't gonna waste, no not anymore

You're going hard now, to win my heart

but too many times now, you've been coming up short

let light not see my black and deep desires

I know I said I'll be careful but it might be a little too late.

I know you want me baby,

I think I want you too

It's not what good girls do

Not how we should behave

Cash enough to make me well

I've come to realize that my moral boundaries are defined by what the people around me say. Because clearly, I don't have any. Why is that so? "I leave you alone for insert-number-of-hours-here!!!" Think about it. I am incapable of making good choices. Yet when asked what kind of bad life decisions I almost brag about, I draw a blank. Perhaps it's the disgusting lack of regret that allows me to repeat myself. Because I do repeat myself. Perhaps I am really too easily blinded. I wouldn't say I am delusional; hopeful is a better word. But who wouldn't hope for it to be real? For like instead of want. Girls like that. I have too much emotional pride and not enough physical pride. Definitely only want. Not too sure how I'm gonna get myself out of this one, if it is even something to get out of. Hmm. Yet I don't want it to be nothing either for the sake of my own worth. I can't even bare to think about it. Just flashes of random moments. Does that excuse me? Damn you, genius. The standard just keeps dropping and dropping. This is why I have to be alone. Because right now, the toughest life decision I face at 3.21am is whether or not I should have noodles. In contrast, I really think that I'm doing well alone nowadays.. so well that I am completely uninterested in anything or anyone right now. Even with you, my one and only. I can't say I want it but I can't say I don't. I'm just jaded and tired of emotional bullshit. I don't deny that I occasionally ache for intimacy, but that is a welcome change from the painful ache for companionship I used to carry around. Intimacy like being able to spend copious amounts of time with someone without getting frustrated or bored, but I actually have that with friends as well. Hmm. It truly amazes me that you could think otherwise of me when you of all people know how capable I am. Yeah, that was definitely a bitchy thing to say.

Pills enough to make me feel ill

one more night

I don't feel anything.