If ever I met someone this perfect, I'd never let it go. Unfortunately, life has not been so kind to me. Well actually that's an incredibly stupid thing to say, because my life is real and spontaneous and not fictional. (side bar: Adam Scott is super hot) Anyway, gratefulness and good times aside, the last few days have seen me seriously questioning the people I've let into my life. Nobody's perfect and I know that. I myself am far from that. Over the years, I've chalked up a great deal of questionable actions and even more questionable intentions. It could well be karma, or it could just be bad life decisions. Whatever, it's too late to regret any of that. The issue now it not what I have done, but what I'm doing now. I've been harbouring so much anger and resentment and disgust the last couple of months and every time he comes back, it not only brings up these negative emotions but adds on to them. I'm normally the biggest believer in not taking things personally, but it's just fucking impossible with him. Like every little thing just drives me crazy. And though it's mostly warranted (see also: stack of money), it makes me feel like a shitty person cos I feel bad cos I know I'm at fault. Strike that, I know I was at fault. How am I still paying the price for what happened so many years ago? This isn't my fucking cross to bear. Fuck this. I know this isn't about 200whatever, this is about recent times. I've changed but really, I'm still exactly the same. It's terrifying to hear a good friend say they still see glimpses of me circa disaster-zone. I don't know what it is about him that manages to reach way back and open up that swirling vortex, but he does. And honestly, I've wasted enough of my life on that shit. But it's just such a big part of my past and honestly about me, that the idea of never having that person in my life anymore or not being important to him anymore and whatever other lame shit is actually kind of unbearable. Yes, even though I'm fucking angry and even though I bet it isn't even real to him and even though he may have malicious intentions. Even then, the idea is unbearable. Honestly speaking, it's not so much about him as a person, but about the hope that I have that people can be better, that ultimately people aren't fucked up, and that good > evil. If I do what I need to do, it would be admitting defeat, admitting that people (more importantly, the one person I selfishly put all my faith in) are fucked up. So maybe I just need to take it as I've misplaced my faith. Old habits die hard. Old habits die hard. Old habits die hard.
