but honestly

this is making me fucking sad.

If I was scared, I would

And if I was pure, you know I would

And if I was yours.. 

but I'm not.

tomorrow, I don't know

omg stop.

when it's all over, I'll let you know

Finally, we're at the end of a long and terrible week. This week saw me truly struggling, in almost all aspects of my life. On the work front.... well. I'm so seriously worried about getting stuck here. All my life I've always seen myself becoming successful and I need to start working towards that. The problem with me is that I'm so easily complacent. I don't want to settle for anything less, but I'm also easily distracted and honestly, I don't really wanna work that hard. I always want the easy way out and it's fucked up. I am so so lucky in my life, to have what I have and be where I am, and I really should take advantage of this. More importantly, I need to stop saying and start doing. Eyes on the prize. On a note that's closer to home, I'm beginning to really worry about my future in this team. This week has been peppered with lots of infuriating moments and really trying conversations. I know I'm at the bottom of the food chain right now and I know I won't always be.. but seriously tho, how long do I have to wait? I know everything happens in due time, but it's still fucking frustrating. Maybe I just need out. Ugh. That's another thing that keeps weighing on my mind. Time to step this shit up guize. Ugh. On a more personal front.. well. This notion of prospect and future and blahblahblah... UGHHH. I hate being this old. I resent that I'm turning/already 24. I resent it so fucking much. I can't deny that some part of it is this pressure from everyone else who has their life together, but most of it is also this looming cloud that comes with age and maturing and constantly talking about where we are going to live in the future. The truth is, a big part of me wants this and you. But as a very dear friend so eloquently put it, we are simply living in a bubble together where we can just be kids, void of responsibilities and jobs and real life. And as much as I enjoy it now, we're really not young anymore. We've done so much in the last almost three years, but how much have we grown? I can't speak for you.. but I can honestly say I haven't changed as much as I like to think. I'm still that same greedy person that will always want more. We can't have everything. That's a plain and simple fact. But also like....... why not?? This is a true pattern in my life.. I can only be happy for so long before I start to wander. I'm trying to hard to be good.. but you're not really helping. But on the other hand, neither am I. I just like the attention.. but actually no la. I think we do have some kind of connection, but I probably think about it more than you do. All mixed signals aside, I'm weirdly sad to see you go. I shouldn't be thinking about this.. I really shouldn't be.. well.

got me on my knees

A quick glimpse into this weekend, which was filled with quality time, evening walks and generally enjoying a nice break. I think I need some positivity in this space. This weekend felt like a much needed recalibration of my mind and, not to be gay but, my heart. Right O. Let's hope this lasts through the week yeah? I'm really going to try to ride it out this time. I know I'm far from being a good girl, but I'm trying so hard to be. Because honestly, we're so comfortable with this and with each other, and not even in a boring way. Yes, we get on each other's nerves here and there, but I still appreciate the simplest things. So yes. Resolutions.. and what not.

"don't tell anyone anything"

It's ridiculous how easily I lose interest in.. everything. I really should stop being such a terrible person. I know that a big part of this is probably me overthinking/hoping/wishing that the world revolves around me. Well. It doesn't.. but my world does. Lol. Fucking joke. Interestingly enough, I find my own interest in this waning. It really was that glass shattering moment when I realised that everybody is simply chasing the flavour of the month. Right O. It's not that I didn't know it before, it's really that I didn't want to believe that everybody is simply this way. The honest version is that I didn't wanna believe that for a split second there, I was simply the new kid on the block. Meh. Whatever, I don't care anymore. LOL okay that's another joke right now. Ugh I hate this shit. I'm way too old for this. I wish I wasn't such a crazy, jealous person. I don't even have a fucking reason to feel cheated, and yet. If anything, this situation only highlights how fucked up a person I am. I know that this isn't real and I know that nothing will ever come out of this (whatever nothing this is.. as it has always turned out to be). I know we'll both lose interest, we'll run out of things to say, run out of things to kind of feel but not really. Everybody's in it for the attention. That's it. By everybody, I really fucking mean anybody. All of them. All of us. We're all just selfish people, trying desperately to feed our overblown egos. There's no sentiment in anything at this age, no sense of honest emotion, of true connection. There's only a person that gives you the attention you want and the person that doesn't give you the attention you want. Perhaps the surprising thing is that sometimes, they are the same fucking person.