you're still very young

This weekend marks my first month at mah first job, spending mah first pay, on the first of May. Yes. This weekend was simply about treating myself, spending time with the man child and appreciating the little things in life, like how saturday came twice this week yaaaaay. Also: I drove the car for real for the first time and it was amazing. I truly enjoy the time we spend doing nothing, cuddling, having night wars, drinking beers, quiet time, ramen time, swimming time, tv time, grumpy time, shower time, etc etc etc. Although we spend less time together now, the time we spend together is always so comfortable and familiar. Waking up next to you was a welcome flashback to the six months of our co-habitation in the land of the rising sun. And although it's great and comfortable and I should be so lucky etc, I somehow feel less satisfied than.. usual? First of all, I've really been on edge lately with my paranoia. There's not much more to say about that that I haven't already said a million times. But lately, I find myself wondering if I'm wasting my youth. I know that not everybody is lucky enough to be with someone they truly like and enjoy spending time with, but I also know I won't be young forever. I know it's such a terrible thought, but I really can't help but fucking wonder. How long more can I say that it's fine for now, I'm still young. I just wish you would step your shit up. Honestly. Is that really so much to ask? I honestly feel that you and probably me as well, so really, I honestly feel that we don't put any effort into this anymore. And while I completely understand that we don't really need to anymore,  I kind of hate that we maybe don't really want to either. I mean, I can actually feel the difference between this weekend and any other weekend we've spent circa 2013. I suppose it's normal in the long run blahblahblah but maybe it's that I don't really know how to settle down as well. No. I just wish you weren't this ungrateful because I've grown very fucking tired of it. The fucked up part is that I can kind of understand it when I think of the big picture. It's like how boys (and I) only want love when it's torture. Because when I think of the first big two, I know that they still want it because they never really truly had it. And now, you want it but maybe you also don't really want it because you have it. God, aren't we too old for this?? No, the answer is no. I know that because that same shit applies to me. The less I feel that you want it, the more that I yearn for it. The more that they want it, the less I want to even be associated with them. The fucked up part is not that I'm that way, the fucked up part is that I am fucking aware that I'm that way. I know exactly what it is. Maybe this is karma. I really don't know how to be on the other side. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'd like to think that I've grown up, but he probably begs to differ. All I can think of now is that the fundamental difference between you and them is that with them, I always held on because I couldn't imagine them with anyone other than me. Whereas with you, I kind of can't imagine myself being with anyone else other than you. For now anyway. Ugh.