she's so heavy

I'm doing the best that I can. The above was our weekend in Hakone, which started out as us being lost and almost frightened, climbing up mountains in pitch darkness and ended up cruising through the air above mountains and lakes and shiz. The brilliant weekend that marked the beginning of the end. Fast forward two weekends to this last week and you'll find that everything has completely shattered. I'm shattered. Despite the amazing experiences that I've been so fortunate to have, it's been a trying time for me. I don't personally believe in bad timing, because let's all be fucking honest, claiming "bad timing" is simply an excuse for saying "bad life decisions". Because everything we do is a choice. This is why I take the blame for everything that has happened because I feel like I chose to let it happen, or at the very least, chose to let it get this far. This is also why despite being pretty much completely emotionally destroyed, I did and still do feel okay ish about my/our decision because I at least know I made a conscious effort (however small and frankly pathetic) to make it right. At the back of my mind, I know that this will never have been "right" or whatever other worldly words I tend to misuse. What I have done here will never, ever be "right" or right. I suppose this plays a large part of why my mind resists this idea while my heart clings onto it for dear fucking life. Yes, it gets difficult because there are times when I wish for nothing more than to pick your mind about things I can't figure out on my own. That is, and has always been, the way I need you. Having said that, there simply isn't enough capacity in my life as fucked up as hell as that sounds. I don't necessarily believe this is about distance and location, but about mental and emotional capabilities and in turn, the actions that challenge said capabilities. I don't know why the fuck I am trying to explain myself and my feelings in this stupid white box. I feel like I am or well was living two completely separate lives and they are catching up with each other. and to me. I am fucking tired, I really am. I long for peace and for fucking quiet in my brain but alas, that is not for someone who has made the choices that I have. Since we are on this, I find that I am still fighting strong in this tumultuous battle between head & heart. I don't think I have ever felt this much fucking desperation and ironically, stability in my life. I don't know why this has been on my mind so much lately, but I truly feel like I have to fucking beg you to love me. I feel like I'm always on my knees, always running around, always just fucking begging. Begging you to love me, to fucking choose me and to forget anything that isn't me or us. And somehow it isn't enough. Nothing I do is enough and nothing you give is enough. Maybe, just fucking maybe, we all need to stop and recognize that this isn't a case of too much love, but one of me not loving myself enough.


she said that living with me was bringing her down
she would never be free when I was around