a girl's not a tonic or a pill

The above are the miscellaneous days in Birmz before the end - our happy spring picnic day, getting high in the afternoon because we can and the lazy night with the great escape. The truth is things were not any easier back then. I still flinch every time a phone rings, every time the absence lingers and every other time I sleep. Right now, I am thinking about you and it makes me wanna kill myself. But that's enough of that for now. In the recent weeks, there has been many interesting attempts at reconnections that have shaken me. The first of which is, well. Roaming around Monte Carlo today, I remembered thee and the nights we spent together before the dreaded move. Walking in the cold rain, I suddenly felt an intense ache in my stomach, and it felt exactly like it did in Amsterdam. I remember when I first left and how mad I was that I had let you best me once again and how bitter I was to have fallen for it once more. The problem with this is that I absolutely adore you. I love talking to you about absolutely nothing and the undeniable tension between us and as much as I hate it most of the time, also pretending that nothing has changed. Perhaps its a Lolita complex thing, perhaps its just the idea of you I've alway harbored. Heck, perhaps it's simply the familiarity of it all. Whatever it is, you still mean so much more to me than you could guess (although I'm sure you could guess) and I wish you would come home soon. So that's that. The next one gives me a fucking stroke. It's funny how far away it seems, yet really not at all. Funnily enough I was trekking my way up a mountain of sheep and all these angry thoughts were recurring in my mind and I remember thinking: I am at the top of the fucking world, why am I obsessing over this? And now we know. Coming home to an semi-disturbing message and thinking "really meh?". It's disgusting how you are. What truly fucking pisses me off is that it makes me look fucking bad, it fucking embarrasses me that I have ever put up with any of your crap because you're simply such a pathetic person. Right. I'm over thinking about this. Tonight, my heart is quite literally all over the world. Mao.


so one last touch and then you'll go,
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more