a girl's not a tonic or a pill

The above are the miscellaneous days in Birmz before the end - our happy spring picnic day, getting high in the afternoon because we can and the lazy night with the great escape. The truth is things were not any easier back then. I still flinch every time a phone rings, every time the absence lingers and every other time I sleep. Right now, I am thinking about you and it makes me wanna kill myself. But that's enough of that for now. In the recent weeks, there has been many interesting attempts at reconnections that have shaken me. The first of which is, well. Roaming around Monte Carlo today, I remembered thee and the nights we spent together before the dreaded move. Walking in the cold rain, I suddenly felt an intense ache in my stomach, and it felt exactly like it did in Amsterdam. I remember when I first left and how mad I was that I had let you best me once again and how bitter I was to have fallen for it once more. The problem with this is that I absolutely adore you. I love talking to you about absolutely nothing and the undeniable tension between us and as much as I hate it most of the time, also pretending that nothing has changed. Perhaps its a Lolita complex thing, perhaps its just the idea of you I've alway harbored. Heck, perhaps it's simply the familiarity of it all. Whatever it is, you still mean so much more to me than you could guess (although I'm sure you could guess) and I wish you would come home soon. So that's that. The next one gives me a fucking stroke. It's funny how far away it seems, yet really not at all. Funnily enough I was trekking my way up a mountain of sheep and all these angry thoughts were recurring in my mind and I remember thinking: I am at the top of the fucking world, why am I obsessing over this? And now we know. Coming home to an semi-disturbing message and thinking "really meh?". It's disgusting how you are. What truly fucking pisses me off is that it makes me look fucking bad, it fucking embarrasses me that I have ever put up with any of your crap because you're simply such a pathetic person. Right. I'm over thinking about this. Tonight, my heart is quite literally all over the world. Mao.


so one last touch and then you'll go,
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more

goodbye, goodbye

So there has been a gap in things because time runs by too quickly here. I'm coming to you from the lovely French Rivera seaside town of Nice, also known as where we could have been. The above however, is our forced week at the Lake District where we scaled mountains and conquered rooms and what not. One semi drunkard night, running home from the pub and exploiting the opportunities of an abandoned lounge. On a much cleaner note (okay so showers aren't that clean), other noteworthy memories include: holding hands and running down a poopy hill, peeing in the mountains, bunking in together and general puffiness. Such is camp life. By now, all our separate #europe2013 has begun and we've all left to discover different cities with different people. Our last few days at Elgar court flew by with an intense ache in my heart, dreading the day we had to leave. Standing alone in the airport after months of building a life there, the only person I could think of was you. It's amazing how quickly things (read: people) just rotate themselves in your head. But that's a different story for a different day. The above depicted a time when we were still fresh and always in each other's company. A time where nothing mattered more than what activities we'd be complaining about doing that day. The days that followed our mindless camp was nothing less than blissful, sadly. The nights were even better, drunk off schnappz and my youth. What you said was what I pretended not to hear but it still counts. Three hundred thoughts about that but for now, my hotel bed and the rest of the French Rivera awaits me. Let it be said that I am thinking about you, and I know you are thinking about me. I just want to know if you're also thinking about her.

Now you've been talking in your sleep

things you never say to me

we met with a goodbye kiss

Goodbye Birmingham, most random city in the world,

and thank you, I truly couldn't have done it without you.

shackin' up

reality check: how long can we pretend?

the unfinished

And so it's finally spring. Pictures from the Eurotrip #1 to follow. What we do now is and will get more and more real as we move closer and closer to when we first got here.

in my room and everywhere else

I've got a burning desire for you baby

what it means to be unreliable

Life is only complicated when you complicate it with feelings and other halves and what not.

brats

The truth is most of me is pissed off because I know you will always choose her over me.

we started the fire

come on cherry cherry, you're still very young

and we've only just started having fun

though it may be too late

The last few months I have spent abroad have been nothing less than amazing. Coming to thee from the Eternal City, I am filled with both gratitude and a creeping sense of homesickness. This is bigger than me and you, whoever and whichever you I am referring to. My life is not hard. I am so lucky to have had the experiences and opportunities that I have been provided with and for that I will always be eternally grateful. On most part, to my parents, without whom I will truly have nothing. But also to the people in my life who have made it what it is, whether a close friend or a good lesson. Italy has been nothing short of fabulous so far but as i sit in this cold hotel lobby, i am missing the security of home, both in a place and in a person. Between you and me, what is now is now and not forever. The only thing I can dare to ask for is to once again believe in the idea and restore the faith i once had that there are things in life (outside of one's family) that are true and real, eternal even. All I need is a sign.