Feeling truly blue, despite what was supposed to be a celebratory weekend. If all goes as planned, tomorrow should be the day that I finally get what I have been waiting for for what feels like for fucking ever. I'm grateful and excited but also like meh. I don't think I've ever waited for anything this long. I just hope everything goes as expected. This weekend was like a blast from the past.. ish. It's amazing how different my life is now from like.. 2011. I actually do occasionally miss the nights out, blindly drinking whatever was put in front of us and just having fun with friends. For a second there.. through the haze of booze and laughter, I thought I saw a flicker of the years past. It's definitely not the same as before, there's no expectation. Instead, there's a punctuated indifference. It's easy because it was never real, as with every thing else in my life. This game has long played itself out. I know we've hit Game Over, but there's still that tiny part of me that, curiously, wants to hit reset. And I don't want to believe that I've been playing solo. I know I haven't. We are far too similar for me to believe otherwise. I know the parts of you that are exactly like me. Surprisingly, for two people who seem to come from completely different worlds, we are basically like the same egoistic, narcissistic, competitive and extremely proud person. I know it's not about me for you, much like how it really isn't about you for me. And yet, I wonder.
