Despite all the things that I have done, have allowed to happen, or have happened to me, I need to say that I am truly grateful for everything that I still have. I have been saying for months that I am not in a good place in my life, that my life is in a mess - and I honestly have been using it as an excuse to behave badly. I know I am extremely spoilt; if I want something, I am not going to be pleased until I get it in the exact fucking way that I want it. I know that this is something I truly need to work on for myself, to accept that I can't have everything that I want all the time. I know I have changed for the better.. if whatever is happening now happened 5 years ago, I would have definitely reacted differently. What I need to consider is why I let this happen in the first place. My stance is that I am only responsible for myself so I can do whatever I want. I still believe in that because this is the choice that I made for myself, and I am perfectly fine with facing the consequences that I have created for myself. What I do not believe in is taking the blame for other people's actions and feelings, because that is everybody's own responsibility. Ultimately, my biggest issue is that I am mostly self aware of the kind of morally bankrupt, selfish and greedy person that I am.. but still choose to be this way. I know it's fucked up, but at least I can fucking accept myself for who I am, as opposed to some people (read: fuckbois) who can't even see how much of a deviant they actually are. Anyway my point is, I have finally reached a point where I can't deny that I am just blindly bulldozing my way through the days with my pride and feelings and desires. I need to fix things for myself. I am going to stop simply saying that I am in a bad place, and I am going to actually try to focus on myself and the kind of person that I want to be. I chose to take that leap a few months ago so that I don't have to be responsible for someone that doesn't appreciate it. I don't want to fall back into that same shit, but I definitely will if I continue to pillage as recklessly as I have been. Having said all of that, the amazing thing that I have to acknowledge is how much I have in my life. I am eternally grateful for everything, and I am not just talking about the stuff and the car and all that which I am also fucking ridiculously grateful for. I mean the amazing support system I have around me, from my family to my friends. The way I've been acting, I don't deserve any of this care and concern, but they so readily give it to me.. and I will not ever be able to forgive myself if I continue acting like a selfish child despite the full life that I have. I need to do this. I need to get good.
