OKW -> TYO -> 2018

#grateful

a hopeful kind of sad

"It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them."

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.”

hold your heart in both hands

Tonight, I feel a tinge of guilt. Not for whatever happened, but for how selfishly I've been acting and thinking the last few weeks. I keep telling myself that I'm feeling better, I can detach from this, etc. I am.. but I'm definitely not pushing myself to become a better person. The rate I've been misbehaving, I'm bound to get more and more tangled in this mess that I know I shouldn't be a part of. I don't know how this can possibly end. On one hand, I am still holding onto so much anger and resentment. And that's all fine and fair since I deserve to feel that way and I still want to protect myself. But on the other hand, I sometimes think about how much better he actually made me feel and how, in a fucked up way, he unknowingly helped me out of that self-deprecating spiral.. and I feel like I should also try to be that person for him. But also, I just can't fucking bring myself to. It makes me to sad to see him this way.. but selfishly it also makes me fucking angry thinking about how I'm not the only reason he's sad. I know it's psycho but I don't fucking care. That's the fucking problem. I fucking understand like baggage and time and mistakes and feeling lousy and all that other crap that I know and I get it but also I'm impatient and selfish and greedy and just all around a terrible person. I may not actually know what I want, but I fucking know that I don't intend on being some fucking consolation prize or just someone to fill your weird lonely boy void. We all have issues to work out right? But since all my pain is self inflicted (#poorlittlerichgirl) and I'm generally further along in erm.. life, I know that as a friend I really can be there. But then what about me and how I may or may not feel? Times like this, I feel that tinge of shame for stringing this along, for letting it get this far, for getting so grossly involved with someone I truly care about. But most times all I can think of is, what the fuck about me and what I want?

I said it's been a long time

It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks. My mood has shifted so much recently. Even though I've been feeling infinitely better than before.. I know I still have a ways to go. Yes, I do feel lighter and better because I made the conscious choice to detach from the situations that were bringing me down. But I would be absolutely lying if I said that they don't still bother me.. because they are still important to me. All I did was learn to not let it affect me and my mood every single fucking day, to not hang on every single word and to (try) not to place all hope and concentration on it. It's still a struggle, but at least I'm trying to make it slightly easier for myself. I'm not really trying to run away. I still think about them a lot. For one, I at least clearly see how the situation looks from my perspective. I can't help it that I am still holding on to some anger about what happened and or actually more like how you reacted to the situation that you caused. It's beyond a doubt true that unless I deal with how I feel and properly accept that nothing can happen between us.. I will not be able to truly be here for him as a friend. I guess a couple of weeks really wasn't enough time (mostly cos I just childishly ignored it), but also I'm honestly not sure what can be done, if anything at all, to make me trust him again. I hate for him to think that I don't care about him, but I just can't bring myself to look him in the eye and ask how he is. Also, I have zero defences for him right now as a person. Sometimes just looking at him irks me.. which makes me sad thinking about how important he actually is.. or was..?  Ugh. I mean, yeah you're fucking sad obviously I get it, but like.. what the fuck did you think it was going to be? I wouldn't go as far as the rest to say you deserve to have someone (read: me) do it to you too, but I can't bring myself to stand up for you right now cos all I can see are my poor little rich girl problems. Hur hur. I can already see how bad that blow out is going to be once I can no longer contain this brewing anger. Moving on to other situations - I'm hella glad that I (to some extent) made the choice to try to step back and out of this.. whatever the fuck you call it. Now that I've pulled myself out of that ugly spiral of self-deprecation and misery, I can see that you're just a dick. I mean, that's fine and all. You also seem like a right mess, but at least I'm not so pathetically blinded by my weird feelings (read: obsession). I must say that at least I'm not letting it affect my self esteem and how I feel myself and all that pathetic shit. Oh but.. #weboflies and all.  I know I should just.. let all of this shit go and just fucking focus on getting myself back on track. I'm trying my best to not get in any more trouble. I just need to accept that neither of these are going to materialize to anything either. Easier said than done though.

please

I just want you to choose me

I'M DYING

I fucking miss you. When the fuck are we going to make this happen?