[This was Friday afternoon]
So here I am chilling at Starbucks with my laptop, blogging. A month ago, I was probably here with my diary, quietly and thoughtfully penning down how I feel. A whole freaking year ago, I was probably here with my books, mugging for the Os and rushing for time.
Some things never change though. I am still as much of a loser now as I was then. (I fail to connect to the internet and have thus resorted to blogging on Microsoft) My drink is still condensing all over me. I still absolutely adore the combination of caramel and coffee as I sip on my Grande Dulce de Luce Frapp. I am still uncomfortable when I see juniors from SAC who recognize me when I have no fucking clue who they are. And people still stare at me.
But then again, when I do actually think about it, so much has changed. I look at the sec fours sitting outside, diligently mugging while their empty plastic cups and even emptier wallets taunt them and I think; Damn. That used to be me. I used to don that uniform every morning, drag myself to school and sit reluctantly through lessons. Then as soon school ends, I’d hop into a cab with a couple of my friends and plop myself down at a convenient Starbucks, order a drink and sit there for hours on end. And now here I am, a whole year later, watching them go through what we’ve all been through, wondering what the fuck it was that happened along the way. God I feel so fucking old.
It’s starting to really hit me that school starts in what, two fucking days? Maybe I’m just slow, or maybe it was the sucky orientation, or maybe it was meeting my coursemates for the next three years, or maybe it’s the fact that… I just can’t run anymore. Everyone expects it to be easier for me since I was already in school for a while at the beginning of the year. But what they don’t realize is that during those months I had created a comfortable little routine for myself and that now that everything is so different, the contrast is so stark that it’s actually a lot harder. By the way, I’m supposed to be at Orientation right now.
Genius. I finally figured out what’s the worst bit about ending school at four almost everyday. The fact that everyone else ends at six. And how did this so miraculously hit me? I left camp early yesterday and called all five of my neds and none of them picked up; Simply because they were in class. And here I am hating this so god damn much because I’m right back where I began, feeling so fucking distant and so fucking far away. And I know it can't be helped and I know it was inevitable and I know all that crap, which in turn makes me feel so fucking whiney and annoying. This is working out abosolutely fantastic.
I think I can fully epitomise how I feel right now in a very simple sentence; My life is balls. HAHA. In that extended period of time, I’ve gained friends and lost friends, I’ve had coffee come and go(ing), I’ve spent a ton of money, I’ve partied like I’ve never partied before, I’ve lost my first almost everything.
Suddenly, jumping around in my room in my underwear with Gwen Stefani at full blast seems like so not so long ago. Suddenly getting my hair makeover feels like not so long ago. Suddenly Grad Night feels like not so long ago. Suddenly my sad attempt at a first job feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, planning for and finally enjoying Abnia feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, new year’s eve and all that Depp worshipping feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, the hil-arious periods of time when Din Pau and I met up everyday cos we were the school rejects feel like not so long ago. Suddenly, getting back our results feel like not so long ago. Suddenly all those coffee dates and late (late) nights out feel like not so long ago.
Then I remember that it
was long ago. Long long ago.
I feel so small.
