we aren't caught up in your love affair

This year has absolutely flown past and it's been nothing short of amazing

I just wanted you to let me in

This has been an incredibly trying week. The last week of school for the year and I haven't truly slept in days. Perhaps what is more trying is this resentment I feel towards you for being exactly what I thought you were not. Mayhaps I'm more naive than I thought, or maybe I just don't like being on the losing end of anything. Am I taking this out on you, or are you just being a piece of work? Because let's face it, we're both too old for this shit. Or you are anyway. I'm tired. The worst part of this all is that I'm aching to be beside you. I hate this. I hate having feelings and all that crap it's so gay. So gay. The worst bit of this all is the crippling insecurity and the fact that I signed up for this shit in the first place. The more I know I can't trust you, the more I do because #psychotic. I can't. No amount of mental preparation and my psychotic do-unto-thee crap would make the inevitable end easier. I know this because #5.


Cos there's a tune I've found
that makes me think of you somehow,
and I play it on repeat

red, white and blue's in the skies

You said to be cool but I'm already coolest

I said to get real, don't you know who you're dealing with?

dreaming about the things that we could be

I wonder if you'll even feel guilty

someone, somewhere's sweet embrace

Tonight there is an air of sadness. As you drove off and away from the 36 odd hours we spent together, I settled back into my room and myself and was greeted with an old friend. Reality isn't quite all it's cracked up to be. I should feel blissful but more often than not, the feeling of happiness leaves with you. Not to say that things haven't been lovely, cos they very unfortunately have been and oftentimes, I catch myself thinking too fondly of you. But what is to follow is not a reflection of what we have (not technically I suppose) but about the way I view life, about being jaded and about for lack of a better team, cheated. I think the worst things to feel is to feel like you've been short changed - like you've been cheated of your youth, of your investment and more importantly, your faith and your belief. What I hate is this idea that girls sit around at home and wait while boys rampage through town like sex starved monkeys. What I abhor about it is that it's true 90% of the time. I look at my friends, all good at heart with more than any guy could ask for, and I see them in this position and it affects me so much. This notion of love and relationships, its disgusting. Trustworthiness is a forgotten virtue. This is why I am the way that I am, because I'm so jaded and so proud that I'd quicker do it to you than have you do it to me, just so I have something to cling on to when things inevitably fall apart. Yeah, it's bitter and fuck yeah it's twisted.. it's an extremely indulgent and sick form of protection that has come to be my way of life. When I look at my friends and their situations, I can't help but wonder whether when it's gonna happen to me, no matter how blissful spending this much time with you is. Because 1) of the way we met 2) the person that you are 3) the person that I am 4) the fact that this right now is based on convenience 5) the person that you are. People like that just have it in them. Maybe also I'm coming to the realization that I may not be as special as I think I am. The truth is I'm not worried you're gonna leave me for someone better than me, I'm horrified at the thought of you leaving me for someone that isn't even better than me. This is how the cycle begins. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I guess this was about you after all.


How should I hold this girlfriend?
As tight as I ever could?
Now, why should I?

that repeatedly defeated me

I guess to say that I am unhappy is an exaggeration of sorts but to disregard this nagging feeling of discontent also seems like a mistake I can't afford to make. Right this instant, this discomfort is spreading through my being in the form of regret and disappointment. I don't know how I did this at the beginning and how I suffered through this every single fucking day while you spent afternoons filling your own void with someone else. I don't know why I put up with this paranoia and insecurity. The truth is I'm too emotionally invested, which is why I overlook all these problems. I could be happier. I could be more satisfied. I could be better. If I believed.

you're like a rocket through me

Because no one is safe

From someone somewhere's sweet embrace

And so I have simply decided to dislike you now