I'll kill who you hate

Always what I imagined our lives would be. It just felt like you were mocking me and I did the first thing that came to mind. Oh well. The reality is that isn't actually how our lives are. Despite everything I built in my head, my memories of you, you and I. My delusion about what I thought we were doing; the cosy exchanges.. they're just that. They are merely delusions. "I thought I understood it. But I didn't." I guess I just imagined that after the string of empty lovers we would somehow find out way back to what was real. God I must sound stupid as fuck now. And that would have been it. I imagined me saying to you "this is it, you and me". I don't know why I would think that.. but I just kind of do. So much for growing up. Sigh. Speaking of empty lovers, I just feel so much lighter now that your burden has been lifted off my shoulders. It's almost a feeling of relief that I'm no longer stuck in something that I don't believe in. I mean, yeah it sucks cos it gets boring but that's it. No overwhelming grief, no longing, no regrets. Leaving out of course, my drunk fits and what not. I guess you can't miss something that was never really there in the first place. After all, the ultimate goal is just to be happy right?

You never had a chance you know

Incurable romantics never do

picking up the pieces she left behind

Except it's me. If we met in a completely normal situation, neither of us would be here by now I'm almost certain. Its the chase for someone elusive, someone you've built in your head, the impression of someone from the first time you fell in love. Someone who took it all and left almost as abruptly as they came. It's amazing the effects of one decision. While I lost a love and him, his dignity; you have also lost. You've been robbed of your heart. I once believed that out of everybody, you're the one that won. But now I see that there are no winners here. Someone great once told me that there's nothing more cruel than introducing someone to a whole new world and then taking it away. You're searching for something that isn't there, holding on to an idea that's long grown out of itself. Maybe I'm not that special after all. Maybe I've just always been an idea: the first, the one that broke your heart, the one that got away. Well.. that kind of sucks. I think putting yourself out there again really makes you realize how small you are and how brutal the game is. Suddenly, everybody seems just as ruined. And as cruel.

If we met tomorrow for the very first time

would we start all over?

just a little boy

I would never have guessed that this is where we would be. A year ago I wanted to be young and free and live my fleeting youth not taking anything seriously. Right now, I've reached a point where I want to settle down with something real. That's all I want. I yearn not for the perfect other half but to simply be part of something that is greater than me. But you're an entire year behind me, both figuratively and literally. Well, figuratively you're approximately five years behind your actual age. Out of nowhere, you're chasing bright lights and social gratification that only someone as insecure as you would place so much importance in. We can't have everything. I don't doubt the way you feel about me, I question your ability be a fucking decent person. I don't care for your apologies and frankly, I don't care much for you right now. You can call and beg for forgiveness but I've been around long enough to know that its as sincere as my love for you. Perhaps the only hinderance is how well-matched we are in every other way and how perfect I am for you. The question is: what are you for me? Maybe it really is time to call it quits. I have half the mind to say call me in a year or so and we can pick it up from there because apparently that's how much fucking difference a year makes.

glances and messed up chances

A good trip out of my head. It probably helps that Japan is like a world of their own; ramen, typhoons and Shinshaibashi. Being away always gives one a third-person view of their lives. I have long given up on this ever salvaging itself. In fact, I spend more time fantasizing about what it could have been instead of the way it is now. Not to mention how right you've proven me now that I'm back. So we're done with that. Maybe I just need to accept that I'm going to die alone cos boys are just too... much. I forget how cruel it can be. Who can really deny attention, even if it's in the form of very painful conversation. LOL. Ah well. It comes and it goes. But on to more important things... well. Wow, where do I even begin. It bothers me how comfortable it felt. In some ways it didn't bother me at all. ".. wanting the moment to stay but wanting nothing more than the feeling of possessing the moment" I've always been plagued by the meaning of this sentence and now more than ever, it is clear to me. Wanting something to last forever but only if one had control over it. If I had the guts, I would have spilled them. I would've told you what it meant, told you to stop, told you how dearly I adore you. But I didn't and I won't because I wouldn't know how. I wouldn't want to tarnish my image of you with the person I'm sure you've grown into. And it's stupid and it doesn't make sense but that's just what it is. Everybody including you I'm sure, knows the way I feel and that's fine. If it's just part of a long elaborate plan to screw me over or watch me screw myself over then so be it. If it doesn't matter to you at all, then so be it. It's out there and it has always been and I'm sorry I don't have the strength to fix things myself. I think I'm old enough to just accept things the way they are (still working on that) and stop playing my own immature games. The way I feel is the way I feel. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

always,

all ways

leave it alone

when I come back,

I want change this time

let it fall

Seriously, I need to fucking get out. I can coast along trying to convince myself that not being happy is not the same as being unhappy but it is. It's just so fucking frustrating. The problem is that I don't know what I want. Some days I hold on to my autonomy so fiercely its like I never wanna grow up and have something real. Other days I resent the fact that I don't share my life with anyone and I resent that I don't feel anything real anymore. I think I'm just so used to not being content that I don't even care anymore. Just that sometimes it gets so fucking frustrating when you do something ridiculous that makes it difficult for me to conceal my unhappiness. I know this is my on doing. On some level it almost feels like I'm just trying to punish myself, like I'm just denying myself the chance of being happy. I just hold on to so much anger but more importantly, so much fear. It's pathetic. I will never be happy until I get out.