then it's an excuse

It just hit me that it's already May. Time moves so quickly. It's funny to think that it's been about a year since I made grand mistake number two. It's actually quite amazing to see that this actually means so much less to me now than it did a mere year ago. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. I can actually pinpoint the exact point where things went downhill and will deem that as grand mistake number three for not just leaving. Yes, this is yet another post about why I am miserable where I am now and no, I will probably not do anything about it. That is how my life is. You delete me and I'll delete you. And yet. Don't I deserve to be happy..? I guess not if I am the one that leaves myself in these situations. I won't go so far as to say I put myself here cos I guess that shits fate and crap. Hurhur. The thing is that I don't really care much for this anymore. And I think that that's what I want.. but its not. Yes its easier because I don't feel so tied down by the suffocation that is the dreaded l word, but its also very annoying. What to do. The l word has just been tossed around too easily in my life. So often people say to me "I'm the only person who loves you" or crap like that. So often I'm like "yes, that is totally the first time I've ever heard that in my life". I mean.. what does that even mean. If that's true then why is it that lately it always feels like I'm just on to the next one?


the more I'd like to let it go

Its ironic

that I wanted this to be meaningless so it wouldn't matter enough to drive me crazy. Yet its because I'm a part of something so pointless and worthless that its making me insane.

we're not the fortunate ones

I don't know why these things keep coming back, but they do. And when I say that, I really mean it. A passing thought everyday for years amounts to.. a lot. A lot since I blog a lot. Hurhur. Weeks turn into months and then scarily, into years. Whaaaaaat. Casually flipping through my own space made me realize that I harbor sooo many unresolved issues.. LOL JKING we already knew that. It did however make me really realize that I haven't accepted the way things are... and it's been loooooong. I do this to myself but in my head I believe that to some extend, you do it to me too. I don't know. Well. Most times I just think that life is a choice between thrill and comfort. Because life is the way that it is, you just can't have both no matter how greedy you are. The real problem is not choosing one, but sticking to it. As with human nature, there will always come a time when you envy the person lying on the other patch of grass. When you're comfortable but bored or when you're excited but alone. How does one pick then? I'm too tired to think. Tired of this constant yearning for something more, tired of questioning what has already happened, tired of finding solace in the past when it's already over.

I can still hear you saying

you will never break the chain

"who will ever love you"

at the end of the day, you're just a selfish little person

we did enjoy a happiness

A busy week with a couple of tests and a few nights out. Nitin's epic 21st at One Altitude really got me wondering what this year will bring. The avalanche year, we said. Hurhur. I don't even know where people get the money/ability to convince their parents to do these things. #jealousy I guess that means I better start saving. I reckon that with my citizenship issues, I'd actually be in Singapore on my birthday.. UNLIKE LAST YEARS DISASTER LOL... but then still the same boy. Confused. I'm so funny. Every day is just another "seriously abigail.. why" and it seems like I've already gone through every excuse in the book. What can I say, I'm comfortable I guess. I just think I'm too young to care, but I've said that for years. I've just done this too many times to let it go too easily. Plus I still get to enjoy my freedom ish. WHERE HAVE I HEARD THIS BEFORE. Oh well. Moving on. Sadly I still feel that despite the years, there are still many things left unresolved. As much that I hope it's not just me feeling it, I really do think that it is. I find it popping up at me at the worst times, like when I'm crashing home alone. I am nobody to say this but I just hope you understand that you deserve so much more than what you've been getting. And that you're truly a good person and one day, I hope it all makes sense for you. You you.


there will come a time, you'll see

we both know

you're in my mind,
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start

help, I'm alive

whose fault is that?