I don't even know you

So this is what it came down to.

I had a bitter angry post but I hesitated and scraped it entirely simply because I know better. There's no point in any of that anymore. I came to a point where I cannot be bothered tolling myself with negative feelings anymore cos it's just so not fucking worth it. Well, except for the overwhelming angst and bitterness but I'm sure that'll pass. I need it now though, I really do. No point in lying about how I feel, I was and will be for a while a little upset. I mean I can't pretend it didn't mean anything, cos it really did. But other then that, I feel surprisingly calm about everything. And for once I don't think I'm just in denial about how I feel. I guess there's really nothing a coffee run at Siglap and a bunch of awesomely supportive friends can't fix then(:

This week is going to be another difficult, no doubt about it. Tests, deadlines and all that jazz. But I'll survive. I'm still here aren't I?

If I just breathe,

Let it fill the space in between

I'll know, everything is alright

Was it something I did wrong?

Stressed.

Overwrought.

Exhausted.

Overworked.

Emotional.

Worn-out.

Confused.

Hi.

I know I can't be close

But I try my best to reach you

Let's just forget it happened

Mondays are never easy.

Especially not the last few but that's a different story altogether eh? Long, arduous and just too tolling, everything seems like a blur and all you want to do is get your coffee fix and retire home to your bed and collapse and die. BUT, there's always a but, you realize that you have deadlines chasing you and you've got to pull yourself together for a couple more hours to get rid of them. On top of all of that, I cloud my mind with things I should have tucked away. I am a moron, I'd be the first to admit. Oh give me a break, I'm just scared. I'm jaded and confused. Is that a good enough excuse?

Oh and Mika, sorry for using your face twice in a row(:

If you don't know,

Then you can't care.

And I show up,

But you're not there.

But I'm waiting

And you want to.

Shut up and talk to me

Baby am I doing too much?

Well obviously yesterday was another bad day, but I feel a lot better now. Ignoring it won't make it go away I know that full well, but I'm completely stumped at what to do, if there's anything to do at all. So maybe shoving it aside for a while would help? Ha. I don't know. I know it won't but it's nothing I want to deal with right now. Unless someone gets some balls and opens their mouth. And by the looks of things, it really shouldn't be me seeing as everytime I do something goes terribly wrong. Ha. Ha. Sigh. Din, I mean it when I say that all I really learnt is that my pride was there for a reason.

I have so much to say.

Did it happen when we first kissed?

Cos it's hurting me to let it go,

Maybe it's cos we spend so much time,

And I know it's no more.

I should have never let you hold me baby,

Maybe it's why I'm sad to see us apart.

I didn't give it to you on purpose,

Gotta figure out how you stole my heart.

And nothing's ever gonna change

I'm taking this a lot harder than we all thought I would.

Today's three bus-stop long walk in the pouring rain sans an umbrella truly epitomizes how I feel about everything. Staring down the dull walkway as drops of water hit my bare skin and gloomy thoughts speed through my mind; freezing, slumped and incredibly vulnerable. I'm fine, I'm just tired. But of course no one bought that; I'm a wreck. It's the overwhelming sense of emptiness that I cannot seem to shake. It's the haunting noise of a broken heart. It's the cloud of disappointment and shattered hope. It's the feeling of being at a complete lost at everything, the feeling of having everything fall at the same damn time. It's just.. everything. 

So I drown myself in Maroon 5, Din and a mountain of homework thinking that maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get easier. But it doesn't. It just keeps coming, blow after blow, day after day. I'm not weak, I'm just tired. Tired of having to deal with everything, tired of constantly feeling so physically and emotionally drained, tired of depending on others, slightly tired of fighting, tired of acting strong and tired from pretending it doesn't kill me. 

Thanks everyone for everything though.

Lie awake in an empty room,

In my head it all feels the same.

Like the taste of the day you left,

That still lingers on my breath.

And the dampness of your tears,

A stain where you wept.

Why do you do this to me?

You penetrate right through me.

Everytime I wind up back at your door.

Cos you think you want me back

Overwhelm me.

Impulsive, scandalous, emotional, impossible, dependent, divided, confused. That's me. It's funny how life never fails to come around and bite you right in the ass. Reactions long forgotten, hollow words and intentions gone wrong leave me reeling and vulnerable. People that once left me in bliss now tear me apart. Memories that seemed beautiful broke me. And so I'm left with a dilema, a choice. Both which end in the dark recesses of heartbreak and spilt coffee. What I want versus what I know I should want. Funnily enough, I knew in a heartbeat what my choice would be whether I'll admit it or not. So it'll stay locked in my head, I connived, forgetting who reads me like an open book. Futile. So I guess you know. Now's your turn.

The seven things I hate about you.

You're vain, your games, you're insecure

You love me, you like her

You make me laugh

You make me cry

I don't know which side to buy

Your friends, they're jerks

When you act like them

Just to know it hurts

I wanna be with the one I know

And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do

-.

Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go

Maybe you'll remember me.

I don't know where to start. Everything just keeps coming, and it just won't stop. The pain, the disappointment, the record-breaking, the thoughts, the pressure, the yelling, the crying. It's just too much for one person to handle. Everything's going wrong at the same fucking time and it's absolutely killing me. I know it was bound to happen, I know it's for the best, but it doesn't stop it from sucking. Nothing does. But I know I'll be okay, eventually. Thanks everyone for being there for me, god knows what I'll do without you. I'm not okay now, and maybe I won't be tomorrow, or maybe even the next day, but eventually it'll be alright. Eventually.

Thought I couldn't live without you, 

It's gonna hurt when it heals too,

It'll all get better in time.

Even though I really loved you,

I'm gonna smile cos I deserve to,

It'll all get better in time.