Never Dared To Let My Feelings Free

"and a very good criminal"

2012-02-02T04:33:00.000+08:00

" With you inside me... Comes the hatch of death... "

I'm so sorry

2012-01-31T02:53:00.001+08:00

and you go home alone

2012-01-31T02:07:00.003+08:00

The string of 21sts have begun. An avalanche year. This is supposed to be the year I get my shit together but clearly I am still in the same shit as my 20th birthday. Now that my dear, was shit. Despite all the time spent together, I'm beginning to wonder if there's much to salvage anymore. Your ridiculously jealous nature is just, so, fucking, ironic. I have no words for you. But actually if I think about it, it makes sense if you take the fateful night into consideration. In fact, I should expect such unbecoming behavior from someone of your.. shall we say, social stature? LOL joking, no we shan't say. Bullshit. That's all this is.. just all bullshit. How can one believe in something real if they don't understand what something real means. If they've never experienced how overwhelming love is, how it will stop at nothing until it completely usurps ones life, how insatiable hunger feels and more importantly, how empty it leaves you when it's over? I wonder. In fact, I'm almost embarrassed just thinking about this. On one hand, I am sick of all the crap that comes with being in love. On the other hand, I'd be hard pressed to say I don't believe in that crap. Under all the glitz and the pretense of my so called glamorous life, I'm still the girl that wishes for a warm body to return home to and crawl into bed with. How did I end up here? "I can't remember anything without you"

I only keep myself this sick in the head

cos I know how the words get you

but not what she deserves

2012-01-21T20:08:00.005+08:00

The illness has taken over. My body has shed some of the virus but has retained a lot more. I don't know what's happening anymore. I have given up. Just take me, I don't care anymore. I can't spend another weekend cooped up at home in this heat. Waking up in the middle of the night in cold swear while ironically, burning up. I've always been a baby about these kinds of things and the children's medicine proves that. Perhaps what I can't take is that I miss your presence. Definitely should've stuck to my "no boys on my bed" rule. And yet, I can't stand it. How long will you toe in line? LOL joking, you don't know what a line looks like. Never have I met someone who can't even stick to something they themselves are adamant about -.- "I'm just uncomfortable, it can't happen again" and an hour later.... jokez. You're a joke. You're right about one thing though, the trip really ruined everything. You can hide all you want. I'm not stupid, it's not that I can't see through your flimsy lies (seriously lady, considering how often you do it, you really gotta work on that) it's simply that I've given up on building anything real here. And it's your own fault. I've been known to have ridiculous expectations but I've never asked for much from you. And yet, this one thing is so difficult for you. Ironic isn't it, considering you and your demanding ways? I've been through enough to know my dear, that when this is over you're going to be beating yourself up for picking whatever it is you are picking over me, and you're going to seriously regret demanding so much from me when we all know you're already getting more than you deserve. Trust me.

How many nights

of talking in hotel rooms can you take?

my motherfucking bond

2012-01-19T02:48:00.001+08:00

"I'm still angry with you, but there's something I want you to know. Even if sometimes I don't know who you are... I love you. I never stopped loving you. I guess you and me are just fools for love or something. 'Written in the stars' or some crap like that. But it was never better than with you, Steve. Never more real. Now I realize all that crazy shit you did, in your own fucked up way, was always for me. Always for us. You're the most amazing man. You take my breath away. And even though I can't be with you right now, I'll always be yours... forever."

- I Love You, Phillip Morris

love, we're going home now

2012-01-19T00:42:00.008+08:00

20th

skippin' town

2012-01-10T19:25:00.018+08:00

Well. There's not much more to say I guess. The wind was cold, the skies were blue, the euro was falling, sights were being seen, roads were being explored, things were being bought, hands were held, croissants hot chocolate and money was abundant, art was being appreciated and Paris was being Paris. Then it hit. Well okay, hit is somewhat misleading. Let's go with attack. Kena attacked.. yeah that makes more sense. Well, whatchu gonna do? The worst of the worst if that nothing seems to be getting better. Chance after chance shoved down your throat only to come out the other end.. really? What's wrong with you? I can only close my eyes to your negligence for so long. Why would I want to be caged under your possessive eye in the last year before I turn twenty one? Nothing defines me more than my youth and my recklessness. Sadly I must say that prior to said incident, the trip was truly lovely. Having been back for two weeks now, I am still jetlagged. jobless and still uncertain about my future. I just need the kick to get up off my fat ass and stop being so late. The illness is back and it's growing inside me, I can feel it. I just need to get it out... now.

I just let your love in

our summer out west

2012-01-09T04:48:00.002+08:00

and out of no where it hits me,

just how unhappy I actually am

it's a little too late

2012-01-07T02:33:00.001+08:00

to say that you're sorry now

we lied, we can't go on

2012-01-03T03:03:00.002+08:00

Despite being in one of the most beautiful (and dirtiest) cities in the world, that was by far the worst birthdays to date. I am only comparing because you are so adamant on comparing yourself. I literally have no words for the whole experience. I despise that it makes me one of those girls. Yeah, we all know which girl we're talking about. The worse part is I'm really not even exaggerating for dramatic effect, it just.. is. In all it's bottle swinging, spit spitting, leg kicking, glass shattering glory. Well. It's over. I just don't know what is. Mind vs Heart, and we all know where my heart is. Me vs You, and you're bigger than me. No words for your nasty ones except 1) "LOL says you" 2) "is that all you have?" 3) "You know it's my birthday right?" #justsaying. Well. What happened happened. Trying to move on would be.. too much effort. Move on away from it or move on to different things? Everybody's disgusted face. "What can possibly cancel out such a horrific event?" Nothing. You don't have to tell me what I should know because we all know I know. The question is: What do I want? I guess it seems... it really just doesn't matter enough to hurt. And yet. Coming home to... everyone. Once, twice, three times a lady. All too late. Not that it matters.. right? The most shocking one causing a lump in my throat as I fight to choke back my tears. And in my own domain. Thank you for what you did there, truly. But back to the one at hand, it's just not something I want to let go off.. now.

Kinda always knew

I'd end up your ex girlfriend

I was nineteen, call me

2011-12-22T16:16:00.004+08:00

So I guess that was my year. Let's see: Justine's birthday at MBS -> countless nights at Rebel -> finally getting rid of the crazy -> all while in my last semester -> well, then there was that -> surgery for the calazion in my eye -> annual visit to the Biennale -> Paris with thy family -> AFF & the day I met the boy -> Bintan with the girls -> getting fired -> getting tragically ill.. with a UTI -> Hong Kong with Justine -> getting shingles (herpes) -> Lykke Li -> YSL with YSL boy (LOL) -> being the powerpuff girls -> countless events with Kim -> generally ending up with Kenneth. And I quote: "Why your life like that one?" LOL. Despite the counting illness I contracted, the endless late nights at Zouk, missing my own graduation, the string of boys and the girl, the ridiculous amount of money I owe my father and the multiple jobs, 2011 was significantly better than 2010. Last year, I lost everything. Last year I found myself desperately searching for answers in all the wrong places. Last year, I clung onto unhappiness for fear of loneliness. Last year I was a coward. This year I finally let everything go.. well, most things. I got rid of the crazy, I got rid of the baggage. I got rid of my fear. For a good seven months I was single and I was fine. In fact I was more than fine, I was fun. The biggest lesson I learnt this year was that nothing is really as bad as it seems. I admit I still may not be making the best decisions (my luggage remains half packed as I stop to blog instead) but I like to think I have a clearer view of things. This year I finally got the confirmation that it may not be over just yet but I also know it's not happening now. And I'm more than glad. In fact, I feel like I've grown the most when it comes to relationships. With every one I learn what I have and what I don't have and I've been through enough to size them up and learn not to take certain things for granted. Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn about being matured and what not. Next year sees me beginning at a new school (hopefully) and honestly I can't see anything past the fact that I am leaving in about eight hours to our Parisian adventure so cheers to that, happy birthday to me and happy new year to all! xx

I feel you in my heart

and I don't even know you

I was unfaithful in your bed

2011-12-22T04:23:00.000+08:00

so I blamed you for the rain

I blame you for my lost

we won't back down

2011-12-21T03:04:00.002+08:00

Another night spent seething as I fall into the life cycle of a hobo with no responsibilities whatsoever. The nights are long and lonely, the days are short and fleeting. Only two ish more days to our Parisian adventure and I question the foundations of this entire.. idea. I say idea because it does not seem real to me right now. For one, I am showing tinges of green. Indulging in my paranoia and suspicion. No one's telling me you seem the kind but no one's telling me you don't either. If I unravel something... a million different possibilities but rest assured, a world of hurt for you. Promise. Sigh. And the above: "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Is that all it was: alcohol & some epic coincidences that found me collapsing home only to explode in a steady stream of tears? Maybe it's just... everything. You, him, her.. too many to deal with. And yet at the end of the day, the only one I crave for is you. Don't fucking mess it up. It is only beginning to hit me now that I'm really about to be whisked away to live like a hobo on the dirty streets of Paris (still think we should've slept on the streets). City of Love and all the other corny stuff I'm pretty damn sure will remain myths. Just tryna keep my head up though I really worry. I know there are some things I take too seriously for my own good. Too many thoughts jumbled in the mess that is my brain. December, December...

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

what you must realize

2011-12-19T03:34:00.000+08:00

I'm more scared than anything else

I guess

2011-12-18T16:08:00.001+08:00

fall apart in parts

2011-12-15T01:34:00.002+08:00

I'm just not very good at this

not you

2011-12-14T03:27:00.001+08:00

I'll never let my pride down for you

Dear Abigail

2011-12-11T12:02:00.007+08:00

A complete wipe out. Well, what can I say. I guess I will never really grow out of it. It's just... Moet. My youth may be dwindling but my reckless spirit isn't quite burning out. Well, we all knew this day would come. Things never go well for long with me. A string full of lovely days back-to-back since thy disappearance. The calm before the storm. I can't even pen down certain glimpses of the disasterous night simply because I don't remember any of it. Swell. I can't tell if you are just awkward or if you're really not the kind to bear ugly grudges. the only good thing that came out of it was restored faith in this, on my part anyway. Sad to say this isn't the first time something of this nature has occurred and you continue to surprise me by still remaining here. Though that was my last chance. Perhaps the hardest part of all is that I can't guarantee that there won't be a repeat performance. One can only hope. // I typed too soon. A grudge is a grudge no matter how ugly. I wonder if I'm being too easy on myself. If I am not deserving, then neither are you. Every time I think this is it and I can finally feel what I've always longed for, you ninja over me with your lame life. It pains me to admit that I see shades of that fight in you. It's disgusting. If I have to go through that kind of emotional abuse again then my theory that relationships are stupid would have been proven right. After all, I'm always right.

a heartbreaker right from the start

it was never either of us

2011-12-05T23:33:00.001+08:00

then you remind me why

I may never love you

a future that might never exist

2011-12-05T00:51:00.002+08:00

I'm all better just thinking about

when you come home, I'm gonna kick you out

then you show up with that stupid grin

and I just let your love in

I want you, endlessly

2011-12-03T18:22:00.002+08:00

I'm not surprised at how I feel. A lull in the weekend. These blinding lights been nothing to me. I miss you, quite dearly. It's not really the number of days so much as it is the thought of the distance between us. "Why do you pretend you don't care?" Those overused words struck me like a chord. Maybe it's the time we've spent that's really fostering these feelings of warmth and other gay things inside me. Finally, the release of thy hormones and the illness that makes me a crabby person. I am too quick to threaten, I know. But it's only because I know you won't let it get that far. Not now anyway. It makes me really really mean. I don't know. I miss how you take up more than half of my tiny bed, the playful and increasingly violent fights we get into on the wet streets outside my gate, the irritating way you lumber so noisily down the stairs on our escape route and the way you cajole me when I throw one of my meaningless, completely random fits. Damn it. One more week and I'll be free to live back in my head, dreaming of our parisian adventure. It's The History Of Love that's making me this way, I know it. Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in a house opposite a girl who no longer exists. It gets me every fucking time. Funny how neither of us exists anymore and yet I still have to deal with so many fucking consequences. Or maybe, it's just me that doesn't exist anymore. Not in that world anyway. Perhaps it still exists, just without me and because I am watching as an outsider that I get these bitchy looks and sneers. Probably also because they're allowed to show that they hate me now... must've been how I made her feel. Hmm. To be frank, I'm happy I don't exist anymore. It has let me see so much of the worlds I've missed whilst residing only in that one concentrated bubble. It really helps me put into perspective what I have and sadly also, what I don't have.

You gave me your answer, goodbye

Now I'm all on my own tonight

we're not blind

2011-11-29T00:10:00.000+08:00

I am so fucking over this bullshit

wrench

2011-11-24T01:13:00.000+08:00

when I tell our story

my heart is breaking like you heard

2011-11-19T23:43:00.002+08:00

Just when I thought things were getting better. Just when I put some faith into this and us, you come and ninja over me with you and your life. Well. I am easily misguided with tousled sheets and glossy eyes. Just when I started to regret that monumental decision a little bit less. Bitch please. I guess it just really goes to show what's important to you. Not that I get to say much I know, because at the end of the day I know I'm not fully comfortable with being with you. And I know it's not fair the way I compare in my head. It's just.. so obvious, you know? The vast difference between the two and I'm not just talking about Facebook. It's just my life and your life. How dare you even pretend to want to actually be a part of my life when you don't want me in yours. Not that it bothers me. And I know nobody believes me when I say that but it's true because, to put it extremely simply, I think I'm too cool for you two. Yup. I said it. But that's really not that new either. Well. Maybe I just like to indulge myself and remember the great times. I guess at the end of the day I just want to feel that kind of security that I've always felt and taken for granted. It really isn't until now that I realize I've always had it so fucking easy. This right now is so much more than it used to be but I think you've reach your maximum capacity. And I've yet to really begin.

I find it kind of funny,

I find it kind of sad

you and me together

2011-11-15T00:06:00.001+08:00

nothing gets better

that no longer exists

2011-11-09T22:00:00.000+08:00

it still breaks my heart

December

2011-11-07T17:55:00.001+08:00

Death or Glory;

How'd you want it?

something about baby, you and i

2011-11-06T23:01:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I feel like it's just so much of some warped whirlwind romance. But then again, what do I do that isn't warped? After all the words and all the years and all those damn fights, I actually relented. I toss around in bed with my bruised ego and a sneer on my face but I know it's the best option. I hate being old. Too old to be playing such games, too old to be holding onto that anymore, too old to be messing up when I can stop it. Sigh. Well. That's that. Another ironic night at Rebel just for old time's sakes. It's amusing, really. "You just need something to excite you". How thrilling, the great unknown, wondering what could happen even with chains around our necks. Nothing, of course. Because that's what normal people are like. Yes. I'm tryna be normal. Speaking of being old, I can't believe we actually did it. I guess it's really make or break, though this chinese guilt is really breaking my spirit and ruining my excitement. That and this pressure you're putting on this for us. I wonder if you've felt this way all along, just that you've finally decided to show it. You've definitely grown more attached. As have I, of course, even I can't deny that. I guess pride gets to everybody. Pride and the fear of vulnerability. The truth is it's not always about my ego, some times.. most times it's really just about me not wanting to be vulnerable and susceptible to believing in something that isn't real. Or that will eventually not be real. Because let's be honest, I barely survived the last time and I won't know how to do it again. I won't know how to survive having my whole world ripped apart at the seams. I don't know how to deal with a jilted lover's bitter revenge because it still fucking haunts me. I can't fucking do that again.

This time baby, I'll be bulletproof

much too proud to walk away

2011-11-01T21:51:00.003+08:00

Wouldn't it be nice? It's so fucking typical, really. It's almost like a fucking template the way these things go down. It's a tantrum I can't handle throwing. For a bit I contemplated chatting up my safety net because that's all I'm really looking for isn't it? Like what's a girl got to do to get some motherfucking attention around here. But I know I can't keep fucking crawling back in that direction every time something fucks up in my life, no matter how tempting and surprisingly easy. So I wait. And I seethe. November has gotten off to a fucking stellar start as I stomp my feet on the thin ice beneath us. I can't control myself, I'm psychotic I'm sure. Sometimes it's almost like I fight and lash out and throw snide remarks just to get some kind of reaction. It's quite simple really. If I feel neglected, I would neglect you too. It wouldn't matter what I know. Sometimes I say/think things that make me stop and think "who the FUCK does this girl think she is" It's like I push and push and push to get what I want and when I have it, I don't want it that way. I don't want to feel like I've taken it, I want to feel like it was your idea all along. I act like some spoilt brat but I don't want to feel like one. Irony. I'm a walking disaster and I've been doing this for years now. The only difference, and perhaps what's so much worse, is that I'm a lot more aware of it now. I can control my temper and my words much more than I could but never enough simply because I don't want to. I've just been so stuck on this idea of neglect and non-importance after your brilliant ruiner comment. Like a broken recorder in my head, stuck on that one glitch. Not that you'd notice, really.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm tired of the sunset

2011-10-30T14:58:00.009+08:00

A string of endless nights. Where do I even begin. The first one saw me seeing green, or well seeing red. It's like you don't wanna look but you can't help but stare and wonder why it's not you. Hurhur. Not that I really wanted it to be me, it's just the jeluz person I am. Your uncalled for rage. Pfft. The next night was well, I don't remember. I have a problem with attention. Heck, you could even attribute it to clinginess. It's pretty straightforward really, a million times over. It's so unhealthy, it's destructive and yet I let it happen. The less I get, the more I desperately crave. Maybe I'm really not suited to be.. tamed? But I am, I know I am. I know I'm that kind of girl, I have it in me to settle down away from the glitz of the lights and empty highs. In fact it's really what I want, I just can't seem to do it.. now. An over emotional night coming off not getting what I want. I wonder if you realize I am in the midst of a giant tantrum. A storm is brewing above me as I sit like a petulant child in my corner sneering, scorned and now adamant that you also don't get any. Even if it means gritting my teeth and biting my tongue. So so much mistrust. I think it reflects badly on myself; I fear you would do to me what I could do to you. I take my own capabilities and reflect it onto you, and because of that I also can't trust. It's really not you so much as it is.. me. Well. What's new. It costs waaaay too much around here to fuck up -.- You little bustard. Moving on. I struggle to understand why the lack of connection affects the dynamics of our favorite past time, when having no connections whatsoever never made a difference before. It doesn't make sense to me unless things are finally.. falling apart.

what you got

is what you wanted

I said

2011-10-29T12:55:00.004+08:00

'Honey I don't feel so good, don't feel justified

Come on put a little love here in my void,'

he said 'It's all in your head,'

and I said 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it; I thought he was a man

But he was just a little boy

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

2011-10-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

At least you'll know I'm not a liar

running over the same old ground

2011-10-26T15:58:00.005+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. This intense ache. This acute sense of sadness. I can't run from it. It really doesn't take a wasted night to realize it, it's the cause of the night itself. Crashing home only to have a complete and utter breakdown, questioning every aspect of my life as these painful thoughts and alcohol pulse through my brain. I just can't fucking live with myself. It's like I fuck up every chance I get. I fuck everything up. I am making a conscious effort not to, I just do. And that's the worst part, I genuinely try not to. I simply can't. It's disgusting, the way I think and how invincible I think I am. I can't fucking live with myself. It just really boils down to the fact that I am simply not happy with my life at the moment. I don't know why it's always on my mind. I do not exaggerate, it is always.. always on my mind. I cannot escape it. Redemption is a load of shit, I am living my fucking nightmare. Good for you, good on you because your fucking plan worked and I will always be miserable now thanks to you. I am not winning this. The only thing I win is that I'm in love with what I have, and yet the notion itself makes me sick to the core. Life's great irony. I am extremely tired from carrying this dead weight every fucking minute of every fucking day. Some days I cruise along feeling just short of enough. It's like I got the smaller half of the pill and I can feel it tingling in my brain and I can feel the waves of sensations grazing my skin. It's like I can feel the bubble of energy pushing up from my core and I can feel it rising. And I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm waiting for the push, the final surge. At the peak of my anticipation, I am waiting for the complete eruption of happiness.. but it never comes. And maybe it never will. And I am hoping so fucking hard, I want to believe it sooo badly. I want it all. I want everything. And I am fucking scared it will never reach that stage. And even if it does, it's really just... empty.

Did they get you to trade

your heros for ghosts?

I just miss my best friend

2011-10-22T23:03:00.003+08:00

Cos it's too important to stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

ain't for you

2011-10-21T22:39:00.001+08:00

oops

back at your door

2011-10-20T22:56:00.004+08:00

Not sure why I thought I'd have a drama-free night. Exited only to be greeted by you in your.. whatever the fuck it is you call clothes waiting impatiently like this was my fucking idea. It's like, chill da fuq out bruh it was only a fucking penguin. LULz. Everybody's like.... why?! and I can't explain myself either. These days I find my mind involuntarily drifting to... that. I guess the real question is.. how the FUCK do you KNOW?! It's like I have a sign stamped on my forehead that says "NOT YOURS". You must be krazy to put up with this. Everyone else was. The worst part is I'm really trying my best with this one. I don't know what it is that keeps pulling me away from you; other than your frankly stale sense of humor, your incessant irritating nagging, this pressure and the increasingly glaring fact that you will always pick that fat chinese boy over me. Which I am fine with, except what's the point of acting like I'm so fucking important when 1) I'm not 2) you don't know what it means to feel important. See. The bitchiness is kicking in and my feelings are honestly, weaning. I just think it's fucking sad because I am fucking trying my best not to let it slip because I don't want to have wasted my life on this.. twice. To be fair, it is painfully parallel to the time of my life.. just the milder, less epik version which frankly, makes this so much more difficult.

take my tongue,

go have some fun

you will never love me again

2011-10-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

too much pressure

mission impossible

2011-10-15T20:19:00.003+08:00

This past week saw me spending too much time rollin' around in bed. The one above to make up for the lost night, the spontaneous night and the weekend night. I've seen too much of the day break; morning light streaming in as we awake from a clumsy slumber to the most appropriate song (I get around) to creep down the stairs we creeped up the night before. Indulgent to say the least; the syrupy afterglow of tangled limbs. Perhaps it's the romantic notion of being doe-y eyed in soft, yellow light that's clouding my version of this. I noted an interesting level of intimacy as I watched you maneuver around my room almost too easily, picking up this and tossing aside that. These plans are just dreams at the moment what with authority that needs to be konsulted and what not. Not dreaming too big for sure because you've still kept your keen sense of reality. "It's not the next step, it's just companionship and what not" As much as it stung to hear, it did relieve a great deal of worry on my end though let's face it, I am far more realistic to say that it already is the next step, no matter how much you deny it. Well, we can dream I guess. I wonder if I've let it become too much of my world already but there's really no use denying that I'm just that kind of girl.

we're on a mission and it's outta whack

Here I come when I better go

2011-10-09T23:21:00.000+08:00

I say yes when I oughtta say no

I get around

2011-10-03T00:06:00.003+08:00

young lovers with their legs tied up in knots

You don't need poltergeists for sidekicks

2011-10-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

Last night's display of screaming and shouting is something I think is worth turning my back on. September went out with a bang, as it always does. The d-d-down after the high of the previous day at the beach and an epic dinner with thy mothership. You are psychotic. No where near as psychotic as the last one but psychotic enough to surprise me despite the obvious signs (ie the endless fb msgs) kreep. What the fuck at you and your disgusting stubborn-ness. And last warning to my mother and her sympathetic voice. What was even happening there?! You put me in an incredibly tight spot and I fucking detest you for it. You asked me if I regret what I did and truth be told, I am really beginning to. Redemption is a fucking myth. A ruined night spent with you trying your best to cajole me and my temper, me and my ugly words. I see pride isn't your obstacle. Your disgusting self-centeredness is. You get everything you want, even if it means you have to work for it. I'm a bit different that way, I don't expect to have to work for it. To me, having to work for it or spend an entire evening buttering someone else up = losing. Because it isn't instantly getting what I want. Maybe that's why you seem to get what you want more, simply because you're more willing to work for it. Well, I just give in because 1) it takes too much effort I can't be bothered to put in to purposely not give it to you 2) I normally want the same thing 3) if I want to defy you, it means I care. Heh. Last night just proved that when I fight, I don't fight fair. It's really quite disgusting.

I've been ghosting along

2011-09-29T00:29:00.001+08:00

"It's like being with yourself"

the same old fears

2011-09-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

"Once upon a time, there was a boy. He lived in a village that no longer exists, in a house that no longer exists, on the edge of a field that no longer exists, where everything was discovered and everything was possible"

I was your silver lining

2011-09-27T00:08:00.000+08:00

but now I'm gold

half of my heart

2011-09-26T00:38:00.002+08:00

Redbull rush and a whole slur of words. Now I've been with a lot of people and nobody has actually said that I am a lousy other half before, not in so many words anyway. It struck a raw nerve, mostly because I know damn well it's true. But not to you. Fucking irony of life. In my defense, I will only give you what you give me. Which I guess on hindsight, does make me lousy. I'm selfish and I want to protect myself but let's face it, so do you. I don't want to change for somebody like you, somebody who can't even be honest with me and who only includes me in his life when it's convenient for him. My logic is that if I never changed for somebody whose given me so much more than you ever will, why would I change for you? Maybe age is getting the better of me. And the redemption word rears it's ugly, ugly head. Redemption is a fucking ironic word don't you think? Do I really think that being with you helps me redeem myself from the mistake I made years ago? Do I honestly believe that if I gave this a shot, I would feel less fucked up about my own fuck ups? No. I am so desperately clinging on to the hope that I would get to say, at least I didn't ruin everything I had for.. nothing. Nothing who thinks I'm lousy. Why are you even with me anymore? Child. What does it even mean to be a good other half, and are you fulfilling those requirements? I don't think so. But.. I can't be bothered.

I can only fall short for so long

the high won't hurt you here

2011-09-24T21:34:00.006+08:00

A million rocky roads. It seems that you're clinging on to me with such dearness it surprises me. I know I hit you right where it hurts with all my ugly words, my true feelings about our state hanging densely between us. Why haven't you escaped from me and my words like daggers? Looks so curt they hurt, shooting across at you over the dinner table. If you think you are so much better than I am, why are you so insecure? YSL with YSL boy, the true story of my life. Greatest irony of all time would be that you can't even trust me. This is your fault you know that right. It seems the only real time we have together is when we're lying in my bed, sleeping effortlessly till the morning light streams in and you have to go. And I think I've ruined it with the truth. Our legal highs tangling our brains to think that it's okay to share. You and your feelings for me and me and my feelings about you. Life. You and your endless disappointments. In my head, when it's good it's grand. When it's bad, it's annoying. Money isn't everything sweetheart, especially if you don't have it. What truly surprises me (and this makes me sounds ridiculously cocky) is that you even dare to piss me off on such an ironic day. The annoyance I felt coursed quickly through my veins and coupled with alcohol, leads to an all too familiar situation. I begged for nothing to happen but of course, you promptly appear by my side to guard what's yours. Perhaps the most epic part of the evening was when we were sitting by my sidewalk waiting for the coast to clear, a fucking mirror image of myself two years ago with the previous boy.. and on such a night! I am beginning to draw an eerie similarity between you two.

Dark room baby,
I follow you

Your name is in my celing

2011-09-19T00:30:00.003+08:00

Looks like the secrets out. Let the cat out of the bag and it hit me like a slap in the face. Still, I can hear the ringing in my head as the alcohol sends blood and adrenaline pulsing through my brain. I can't believe I don't remember any of it. That's great. And to think I savored the effortless sleep the morning after. I wonder what you are still doing with me if I really said all of that. If I were you I would've left on the spot. Unless you're just so desperate to be with somebody. Or it just doesn't matter to you how I feel about you. I really can't tell which is worse. On hindsight, I really shouldn't be surprised that 1) I drunkenly spilled my guts 2) it doesn't affect you much. Maybe you know it's true. Or maybe you've just withdrawn yourself. Or maybe it's enough for you. I still wish I knew you better so I'd at least know. It's not that I don't enjoy this, I do... when it's fun. But sometimes with your empty words and useless promises, I just want to smack you up the side of your head. I know I'm wasting my time and my logic is that I have time to waste. I want so badly to believe that what we have and you are real but.. I know better. I want to buy into this and make this worth my time; in fact, I think I want to more than you do because I don't think you're even capable of anything that's real if it means moving out of your comfort zone or giving something up. It makes me feel bad for you but it also makes me feel bad for myself knowing that I know what true relationships feel like and yet I still sell myself short. Life.

Now you're mine, you're mine again

Swear you'll never leave me

2011-09-15T00:27:00.001+08:00

useless motherfucker

#002

2011-09-12T01:16:00.001+08:00

tell me I'd fight

2011-09-11T18:42:00.001+08:00

Yeah tell me I fought for the wrong thing

But I'm ready, I'm ready,

I'm ready to believe

I'm not sorry at all

2011-09-11T00:28:00.004+08:00

Well, whatcha gon' do? In the midst of our secret foray and in the heat of the high, I let out my secret after we'd released ourselves from the cosmic gates (ha ha). The one which I had promised to keep to myself after your disappointing recollection of our secret night together. I doubt that you'd have forgotten me, it seems impossible to someone as self-important as I. Imagine my disappointment and quite frankly, heart ache as you twist your story to make me seem like just another girl. Ouch. That pang was me feeling that this would never be real and came also with a vow to not bother being honest with you. And yet it came pouring out. It just isn't in my nature to keep something like that. Suddenly I find myself lying on top of you after barely escaping a fist fight, with my eyes squeezed shut and rambling the past two years of my life to your curious face, feeling the prickly heat of embarrassment and alcohol on my cheeks. Why had I been so fucking afraid of you changing your mind about me? Because that is how I truly see myself. All his words spat angrily at me on that fateful night embody exactly the way I feel about myself. "But you've learnt your lesson right?" I hesitate to answer. Have I? Honestly? Can I really truly say that? Do I stop myself in terror of repeating my mistake every time I am in an equally dangerous situation? Ha. I think I must hate myself a great deal to sell myself short like that. I am a horrible person and now you've seen me for what I am. Though I can bet it did nothing more than boost your ego as I pleaded for you to stay. "Please at least make this worth it" I smirk with feigned smugness. I really meant it. I've come to think that I might actually see this as some sick, almost desperate ploy for redemption. Well. Maybe that's why I keep making the unfortunate decision of picking bad over good because I somehow feel like I owe it to myself?

Not a miracle in years

not so strong without these open arms

2011-09-08T02:30:00.003+08:00

The perks of being Chinese? That was really almost too easy, sauntering past the fire breathing dragon and into my room. The element of danger will always get to me, always. I couldn't be anymore of a grown up, really.. kid in tow or not. A night filled with questions and a strangely empty feeling. I wish I could say I know this is real because I don't feel it. Its not faith if you use your eyes. Most times, even my eyes don't see this love you say you have. I can tell it's pre-matured, I guess it's different hearing it. And feeling it. Ironically, I know I act that way. I guess I just can't handle it. You ask me how I see you and I come up empty. Wordless. I have nothing to say, simply because I just don't know you. And it makes me sad. You used to be this idea. You used to always be this one-dimensional flimsy excuse for a person and I liked it. I liked the idea of this glamorous jet-setting person grounded by the idea of me or well more realistically, wanting me. But it's like when you get close to something and you realize it's.. different. It's a real, three-dimensional person with real feelings and real issues. Except I still don't feel like you have real feelings. I can see the flaws, the lack of easiness and the lack of emotional connection between us. But I so badly want to believe in this. I really do. I don't want to waste it but I also don't want to sell myself short. I want to believe that this is real but I can't. I like it and yeah, it's fun. But how long can adrenaline and the honeymoon high last? Honestly. And on the other hand, fuck you. The one time I decide to fucking bother since things are clearly different between us this year. Friendship over.

Kept my high from the second one,

kept my eye on the first one

2011-09-07T01:38:00.001+08:00

in my room

I've got the Shingles

2011-09-05T02:48:00.002+08:00

Will you be my everything?

happythankyoumoreplease

2011-09-04T01:16:00.003+08:00

I am too afraid to admit that I am content with what I have at the moment. And such a shame, that I could never tell you the way I truly feel. Just cynical words and ambiguous answers. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt because I want to believe you. Who wouldn't? "Are you falling in love?" Somehow it managed to come out a lot less conceited and a lot more.. vulnerable. I know I shouldn't have threatened you like that but I was just being frank. I know I can be great fun but I can also be a self-important prissy princess. And it's ridiculously unattractive but it is who I is yo. It is true, I still hide a lot of me and my emotions from you but I am getting so much more comfortable with you. I can tell. Today's incredibly long day felt.. nice. For one, I like going out with someone who has pants on. And YSL pants no less (lol). Still a million things that make me roll my eyes though like spilling water all over me. klutz. H&M opening = no longer have any reason to live. Job on Monday = surprisingly mellow about it. But back to the more important point of me being self-important (see), I just don't want you to let me down. Again. And on such a grand scale. It has to be the last straw because 1) I don't want to be pushed around by your empty words 2) I will never be able to take you seriously 3) I can barely afford this as it is without it at least being worth it -.- Total game changer.

I want to tell you how much I love you

We just lay wide awake

2011-09-02T03:30:00.000+08:00

And pretend we're asleep

And you go home alone

And your checking your phone

And you're looking at me

Like I'm something you own

Now panic and freak out

2011-08-31T23:01:00.002+08:00

Well now, you've truly caught me off guard again haven't you? Well no, not sonia. It seems that every time I turn around, you get me right in the face. Okay I can really be a handful and as much as it kills me to admit it, you are really handling me pretty damn well. I am a tough nut to crack and even more so to deal with. Turn your back for a few days and I've run off for a "change of scenery" and a huge bruise on my bum. Quite frankly, I am appalled at myself. I am not doubting the reality of my ex-isting situation but I still stand by what I said which is that, I will always pick what I have over... that. Whatever the fuck that is. Strangely enough, now that you've returned I barely feel the pang anymore. Maybe your lack of obvious interest is part of your way of dealing with it. I mean, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here but.. I believe it. I want to believe it. I mean, how many people can sit there and listen to me instill insecurities and confirm fears so stoically. And I suddenly see your added effort to keep me up and I really do appreciate it. Although I still think some hours can afford to be spent apart + yesterday's sudden drought. Queer, I guess I just had my mind running all over the place and full of uncertainties. I know it's unfair to throw them on you like it's your fault you left on a holiday I just left on two weeks prior. I am terrible. Maybe it's just the swell of an enjoyable few days but I'm definitely glad you're back to keep me on my toes again.

something about lonely nights

and my lipstick on your face

is that all this is to you?

2011-08-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

why don't you love me?

2011-08-27T20:38:00.009+08:00

What a pack of lies. To be honest, I've never actually really heard those words before, strangely. Not from a girl anyway, always from the boys but.. they're just boys to me. But to hear it from someone who always seemed to (be the only one to) take your side; it felt like a slap to the face. "She's just using you" - those ugly words sting like salt to a wound. A wound that's been left festering for years, gutted so much that it's barely recognizable as a part of my past anymore. And yet, it's still an iconic part of me, now. Familiar eye rolls and these pained empathetic faces greet me as I regale our night and hassle over my residual feelings. Here we go again, I almost hear. I might just be stuck here forever. Nobody gets to me like you do and you don't even have to do anything. Come and go as you please, take what you want, give nothing back. Watch as my harbored anger and resentment dissipate to nothing but carefree laughter over recycled jokes. At some point I found myself watching you as you animatedly shared a story I probably didn't even want to hear, and I caught myself wondering "why aren't I good enough for you?" I just don't understand. I guess above all, I just want to know what I mean(t) to you. Will that always remain an enigma to me? Much like the mystery that is your being. What is it about you? You and your imperfections, your perfect teeth, your strong bold eyes, your irresistible mannerisms.. fuck you. Fuck. You.

You know how time flies,

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

so calm and dull

2011-08-26T02:05:00.002+08:00

Damn you. I am supposed to be mad at you. I am supposed to be angry that there are so many unresolved issues between us. I am supposed to hate you. And yet I don't. To be very honest, I feel surprisingly nonchalant about it (LOL). Well, maybe I really am disillusioned about my feelings for you. Maybe I'm just so used to thinking I am semi in love with you that I just assume that I still am. Because to be perfectly honest, I feel like I've just had a normal catch up session with an old friend, much like the night before what is now known to be the incident. Except now I have someone else to go home to. Well, not really go home to. Not that he's ever awake. Ever. This morning's question about whether or not I was truly bored of you was answered during this afternoon's session. "Learn to want what you have" and what I have is stability and some sense of physical comfort. To be fair, we do shake things up and our conversations are still lively and amusing to me. I am afraid I'm taking this for granted but sometimes I am also afraid that there's really nothing much to take. I guess some more time apart will be the be and end all to these questions.. for a while anyway. Right at this moment, I will pick you over anything. But well, whatever it is, for the time being I am really glad the domino effect isn't in play.

I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy

at a rate that is truly alarming

2011-08-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I can still feel the ache

2011-08-23T03:05:00.000+08:00

I'm always wrong but you're never right

2011-08-22T03:09:00.003+08:00

First of all, I am never drinking again. Ever. Returned home, collapsed in my driveway and threw up in my garden after insisting on gettin' my duh-rank onz. Hangover from hell ensued. Life. Not feeling much of anything cos I'm pretty sure there's nothing to feel and well, it's like really quite harmless. To me anyway. My God, do I really need to get my morales in check. tsk tsk. I have too many vices and you are one of them. I know I sound really lame but I am worried about the weekend and how bored I am going to be. I hope I don't feel your absence though I'm very sure I will, especially since it's really been months since we've started conversing (read: talking cock). Sometimes I wish we were closer so I understand you and the things you do, though I doubt I will ever get to really know you if you keep up with the need to impress me. To be honest, I know that it's both ways. I can't quite say I'm entirely comfortable with you. I too try my best to hide my flaws and shortcomings. And then there are days like today where I give up, in glasses and all and whine like a baby about my tummy ache. And surprisingly, you just took it. I know it's nothing out of the ordinary; I guess my expectations of you are really exceedingly low but I am really starting to see that you are capable of caring. Shocker. It's strange sometimes when I think of how jaded I have become from my past relationships that I don't put faith in you and in this. Not enough anyway. Yet I can't deny that my feelings are growing by the day (whatever that means). I guess I'm just waiting for expectations and disappointments to destroy it but right now, I guess things are really looking up.

I thought I'd never see the day where you smiled at me

I hear them calling

2011-08-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

I've really got to get used to this

this love will be your downfall

2011-08-19T02:59:00.005+08:00

And this would be the other day. Looking back, I am wondering what my issue was. Something I blew out of proportion in my head I'm sure. Although I remain ye of little faith, today was simply.. divine. A good mix of adventure and comfort; my momma's epic confrontation, rollin' around in the pool, crashing a totally random event to pee and well, getting the adrenaline pumping up in here. Not that I am one to gush but I do find myself being very ungrateful of the things you do actually present. Leaving aside what can only be the coolest gift in the world (not exactly a 2.55 but.. still), it's completely unfair of me to believe that you bring nothing to the table. You are receptive to the things I say, I can tell. Because I am lame and immature, I communicate by dropping hints that you surprisingly, pick up. And maybe I really am greedy, because I can tell that you do put thought into what we should do and what not. Granted, you don't always pull through and still can't tell a consistent lie-.- Amazingly, I know you care from the way you nag and push me to face reality. And when you asked me to promise to always be honest with you, I was at a complete lost for words. It took me by surprise that it mattered to you whether I was happy and all around satisfied. Maybe I really just don't give you enough credit or maybe I'm really too cautious with my own emotions. Maybe it's time to trust you or more importantly, maybe it's time to trust myself.

who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?

sucks to be you right now

2011-08-17T23:43:00.002+08:00

I guess this is one of those days where I think what's the point? Am I just another one of the distractions in your life? I really wonder what you're running away from. Am I just someone you can fall back on? Do you really think I'll be here to catch you? So I'm just the safety net for your forced foray into the forest? Of course it would only make sense, knowing my life. The more I get to know you, the more I think that you don't seem like that kind of person. But what do I know? Fuck you and your easy words. Is this what it feels like to deal with me? Probably. I don't want to take this for granted but sometimes, it's just so little to work with. Honestly. "You don't have the power to upset me. You don't matter enough to upset me." Sure, superficially it's light and fun and amusing. But is that it? Is that all this will ever amount to? I guess I appreciate the thought you put into bullshitting me. Do you even know what it means to have something that's real? I fucking wonder. Am I just being greedy? I just want more than this, I want something real, I want to feel security, I want to feel like I can believe you when you say things. I know intimacy is important but I'm beginning to think that that's all we've built here. Ironically, you were the one who said it was meaningless and wanted more. How can I invest in something and someone I have so little faith in?

if you're lonely,

why'd you say you're not lonely?

the unsatisfied eyeroll

2011-08-17T00:53:00.000+08:00

is this just not enough for you?

I'll admit I'm bored of me

2011-08-15T19:57:00.009+08:00

Adventure!!!! A surprisingly easy trip spending too much time together and going on a million different adventures from trying sashimi to staying at a different hotel to roaming the streets of HK to clubbing in China to trying new restaurants to taking the lift instead of the escalators to going from one balenciaga to another to macz breakfasts. Shopping way too little, eating way too much and generally escaping from our own separate realities.

If I don't believe in love

2011-08-14T02:49:00.001+08:00

some days I find myself quite infatuated with you

and other days I find myself wondering,

what's the point?

I’m not frightened

2011-08-09T01:47:00.002+08:00

"I’m not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, forgive its vice."

- The Reader

love out of lust

2011-08-08T00:40:00.005+08:00

Life just before my adventure with Justine back to the motherland, but more on that later. Maybe I'm still in the post-bliss (ish) of a good night but I am glad that nothing seems to have shifted in the time I was gone. Blame it on paranoia and a useless sim card I guess. I am starting to see that I need to stop letting my past hold me back. I find that I say "I'm normally blah-blah-blah kind of person" way too often these days. First of all, there is no normally. I have never been normal or been in normal situations. I can't even take a fucking bus without being attacked by H20 -.- Also, I am (trying) not (to be) the same person anymore. I have my crazy in check and I should keep it that way. I can't deny that you are slowly growing on me though. See that's the problem with distance, it really makes you realize how much a person means to you. Life without someone is either much better or much more boring. It took quite a while but by the time I missed it, I really missed it and I haven't actually felt that way in.. a good while. Hmm.

Sometimes these feelings can be so misleading

2011-08-03T03:27:00.001+08:00

I think I will miss you.

meaningless

2011-07-30T19:59:00.002+08:00

It's just like you to come and go

And know me, no you don't even know me

You're so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye

you use the future to escape the present

2011-07-27T23:26:00.003+08:00

Life of a bum. I wish I could say I use the future to escape the present, but I don't. When the hot topic question arises, I press my lips together and meekly answer that I still haven't decided. How embarrassing. I can't be the person to squander my time and youth, but I am really caught in quite a dilemma. This life of a bum thing is really showing me that I really lack discipline nowadays, it's horrible. From small things to constantly being late to not being able to commit to things to not wearing a bra, I really feel like I am getting to be a bit of a mess again. But never as much as you of course, fucking coward. This chinese guilt thing is also getting to me (though I am going anyway). Reflects a lot on my character; what's the point of feeling so horrible about things but doing it anyway? Kase in point. Last night saw dreams imitating real life, circa 2009. Could've been the wine or just the constant moral battle I have within myself... but I live it anyway. See. Having said that, I also battle myself on whether or not I should enjoy myself in the present. On one hand, the most consistent thing you've ever said is I don't lie and you (and your posse of douches) do deserve the mockery, kid. On the other hand, you do seem decent enough (ish) and I myself want to enjoy the highs of a fresh relation, although I am getting slightly bored already. "Just make sure it doesn't boomerang around and hit you in the face" Hmm. Am I really too cautious/mistrustful? I do love that you're so carefree (does that mean you don't care?) especially when I hear others regale tales about possessiveness or neediness. Only time will tell I reckon.

this heart will never be yours

Sunday's best

2011-07-25T02:13:00.003+08:00

I find myself really enjoying these new experiences and all the new things I am learning through and about you.

down and vulnerable

2011-07-23T04:48:00.001+08:00

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all

who are you to make me feel so good?

2011-07-21T23:44:00.008+08:00

As you can see, it truly has been a string of lovely days. On one hand, I really do need to learn to be a better person because my luck seems to be running out, ever since that backfired on me (get it get it). Definitely my own mistake (I'm just roaming around like a lost... well.) but it bruised my ego more than anything. Still, I'm having a really nice time really between the girls and the boy. Except for the frustration but I've really got to learn self-control anyway. Speaking of which, fuck you you're the heartless one. Tsk. This week saw a lot of reminiscing about the past, my own to be exact. Well, actually ours, ironically. I am a pervy old man. ): I realized that I am endlessly fascinated by relationships, albeit really quite faithless. Circle of life and all that. I see it happening simply because 1) these things always happen to me 2) it's too ironic for it not to happen. Well. I guess only time will tell. Anyway, back to other disappointments. I know it's none of my business but it really made me so sad just to hear it. I never thought you were capable of that, the same way I truly did believe I wasn't capable of it myself. Which then makes me question other people's capabilities to do so. And watching Closer didn't really help. I've always been fascinated by how attraction works and why people are attracted to others. The way I was so attracted to you the moment I laid eyes on you. I wonder what it is; I hate to admit this but to me you really are quite magnetic. Fate, I guess. How corny is that. Though it seems barely enough at the moment, I worry about when I finally lose it. But for now, yeah?

Who am I to say I'm always yours?

it's not me, it's you

2011-07-20T14:21:00.001+08:00

This will never be enough simply cos

you don't give me enough

succubus

2011-07-19T00:45:00.003+08:00

You want them when they don't want you

Soon as they do, feelings change

it still makes me so sad

2011-07-15T14:30:00.001+08:00

"Once upon a time, there was a Candy and Dan... Things were very hot that year... All the wax was melting on the trees... He would climb balconies, climb everywhere. Do anything for her... Oh Danny boy. Thousands of birds. The tiniest birds adorned her hair... Everything was golden... One night the bed caught fire... He was handsome, and a very good criminal... We lived on sunlight and chocolate bars... It was the afternoon of extravagant delight... Danny, the Daredevil... Candy went missing... The day's last rays of sunshine cruise like sharks..."I wanna try it your way this time!" You came into my life really fast, and I liked it. We squelched in the mud of our joy. I was wet thighed with the surrender... Then there was a gap in things... And the whole earth tilted... This is the business. This is what we're after. With you inside me... Comes the hatch of death..."

won't make a scene over you

2011-07-12T22:16:00.002+08:00

As I continue to fester in my feverish state, I find myself with too much time on my hands. Other than this intense heat, the random sharp pains in my joints are really fucking bothering me. And I have this terrible paranoia, fueled by my access to google and having a billion lucid thoughts run through my burning brain. Pffft. Horrible. On the other hand, you've come around so often that I'm almost getting used to it. Damn it. My konsolation is that I keep telling myself I know what I'm getting into and I don't expect much. You seem pretty clear-cut anyway, that you desire only one thing. This hawt piece of ass (get it get it). Yet some evenings just spent lying around or sitting around leisurely seem to say otherwise. Maybe you're simply not as greedy, though I know it's also the fear of getting caught. I really don't like this lack of space for our relatively-explosive dynamics. And I know I said to myself that it would be the bare minimum but I really didn't know I would get kicked out so soon. -.- Well. I guess it isn't everything. I guess. Actually after this scare, it really shouldn't be. Speaking of which, facebook fucking ruins lives man. I will always hear your voice, taunting me every time I am reminded of the age difference. EVEN MORE SO NOW that it's been confirmed he wasn't even of age. I feel sick (get it). My number one concern is if you see it but I'm sure you hate me enough as it is. Fuck that I will never forgive myself, I don't fucking deserve this. Ugh. And let's not pretend, I don't want you to see it either. Not that you really give a fuck right?

Can you lie next to her

and give her your heart

as well as your body?

The Con

2011-07-11T11:24:00.004+08:00

Well. That was some kind of hysterical scare. Not cool, bro. Even more uncool, lover. But that's all just a suspicion now right? This would be the ultimate karma comes back around and all that bullshit. Fuck my life. Nevermind that I'll be hysterical enough as it is if it were something more normal. Ugh x152839204. "Nothing good could've come from it". Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I think I'm so fucking invincible. And what makes me think I'm so fucking untouchable. Because clearly, I am not. I'm going to have to pay my dues for all the goodwill I have gotten in my life because I don't live like I deserve it. I guess for it to come after such a stressful week spent reflecting on my fucked up life is only fair. Fucking ironic that it was the one weekend I neither drank nor club. Jesus imagine what would've happened if I did. God. This is so fucked up. What if + so do I let you in? Fuck. I know you think you're not my boytoy but... I can bet you will run. How fucking sad is it that I have absolutely no faith in you, especially after what I've been though *awkward turtle fortnight. Well. I'm at my wits ends, festering in my disease and my moral dilemma. I need to stop being such a fucking baby.

Fast as you can baby,

scratch me out,

free yourself

PANIC

2011-07-10T22:30:00.001+08:00

I can't even pretend you can be counted on

but I know

2011-07-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

I let the beast in too soon,

I don't know how to live

might mistake me for a heartbreaker

2011-07-07T12:27:00.002+08:00

What an exhausting week. Life has it's ways of just slapping you around at the most unexpected of times, yeah? I know I've been talking the talk of leaving and growing up and doing what's best for me and all that jazz but well, for fear of you thinking I just talk big, I just can't. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going and so I am staying here. I think it would be the matured decision because let's be honest, I am a reckless mess and I will stay this way for a while. For now at least. Between my stupid obsession with not wasting my youth, my never-ending lust for the highs of life and my inability to remain satisfied and content with what I have, I barely survive here much less in a more happening environment. So. I think that's that. I think. This week really proved to me just how 1)impulsive 2)spoilt 3)greedy I am. I simply want too many things. I want to dream big but I want to stay safe. I want my freedom but I also want comfort. "Even you know that you can't have it all" . My first thought: but why not? Do I not deserve it all? Okay, let's not go there. Deserving is a touchy subject and honestly, I don't deserve half the goodwill I've gotten in my life. I am a terrible person who shouldn't be trusted. And yet I remain very lucky and I will always be grateful for that. Yet I know my luck will run out if I continue down my destructive path. I do need to be reigned in no doubt about it but the question is, can you in all your own reckless glory, keep me?

I know I can be a good girl,
But I've been bad before

the most epic one to date

2011-07-07T00:29:00.000+08:00

but I'm not the same person anymore

2011-07-06T01:05:00.001+08:00

have I always been a wreck?

let nothing go

2011-07-04T23:07:00.004+08:00

So now I'm good and lost. Making life decisions is not my forte. This weekend just amplified the fact that I can't tell good from wrong. And you can't tell the truth from what you believe. I think the worse part is that despite knowing how delusional and reckless and disgustingly stingy you are, I'm still here. I wonder what it is that keeps me but frankly, I am getting bored. Perhaps it's because it is no longer feels mysterious. Or dangerous. (Except for that noon at home) It just kinda feels dumb. Sian. But more importantly. My future has now been put under the magnifying glass and I am scared out of my mind. What do I do now. Do I stay or do I go. Funny that just slightly less than two months ago I was so confident that I could deal with the change. And now that everything's set in paper and I am about to reject it, I am fucking freaking out. I think it's also because I've suddenly realized just how fucking spoilt I am and that's only because you don't spoil me like the others did. Cos you can't seem to look after even yourself and omg your disgusting stinginess. But that's again besides the point. I am having difficulties concentrating right now. Fucking distraught and stressed. This seems like quite a useless post.

We can leave this town

and run forever

get up and go

2011-07-04T17:40:00.001+08:00

why do I have so little faith in myself

I know I can be a good girl

2011-07-01T00:27:00.001+08:00

but I've been bad before

I tell myself over and over and over again

2011-06-29T22:26:00.000+08:00

what am I so fucking afraid of?

so tell me I'm cruel

2011-06-27T21:44:00.004+08:00

Everything's just more complicated than I realized. "I don't want to think of the consequences" really doesn't work if "I don't want to think about now". Perhaps I have gotten to become too much of what I like to think is a writer, but I fucking relish the irony that you are actually the exact reason why I am so closed off. You and the actions that were triggered by your mere presence. How alluring would you have to be to have sparked off such a blazing, everlasting fire. Oh how strongly it still burns. All the world can watch. How it affects me so. This won't end will it? Even after you and your burning soul have faded away, from my life at least, it will still always be. Hearing my friends have so little faith in me is like having someone kick you when you're down. I guess it's true that I apparently love myself so much there isn't space for anyone else. Hi Justin. Ha ha. But on a more serious note, I'm certain I am too deep in this already. For some reason that is simply beyond me, I see you in such a painfully romantic way. Perhaps the greatest irony of all, yeah? The one that ruined the very idea of love for me and kept me in the darkest of caves for years. Actually no, you didn't ruin it. That wouldn't be fair. I did. I took love by the hand, gazed into his eyes and stabbed him in the back. I am selfish and I am greedy. I am conceited and I am cruel. And these facts, they weigh heavy on my shoulders, droop on my lids, tugs at my soul. A chain that is supposed to anchor me. And yet it doesn't. Life and it's mysteries.

And all the world can watch the choices you make
All the world can watch each tiny mistake

Oh boy you're only a child

2011-06-26T22:40:00.007+08:00

Oh how things have changed. Am I the delusional one? I mean, I feel it but there's always the possibility that I myself am too conceited to see the truth either. I know I need to be buttered up and I wonder if I really am just one to be hunted. I can feel it though and it worries me a little. It's like dude, come on dude, be cool. LOL. Let's face it, it still has that essential element of danger. And it still excites me because to be honest, it's still quite a mystery. Elusive, you say. Yet another too lovely night except for sure, I wasn't bringing my a game. Let's hope that it isn't too late. Other than that, I can almost say it was too comfortable. Drenched in affection. Sigh. Well. Life. Anyway. This girl. I can't deny that you drive me crazy, in all sense of the word. It's fucking painful to think of what the years have done to us. How could you be so heartless? It doesn't anger me so much as it really hurts and I never say that. Because out of all of them, I was the best to you. Well. Such is life, I reckon. And on a less personal note, I can't believe we're still on this. Honestly, I can't believe you when you say it's me. To me, it's a convenient (albeit rather convincing) excuse. This seems to have exploded so much I'm like confused about what the issue was in the first place. But who am I to say, right? Hmm but back to this circle of life thing. It really isn't okay for me to not be able to commit to simple things.. and yet past what is supposed to be the greatest form of intimacy. Because it is. Seems like just a matter of time.

and you kissed me like you meant it

craving

2011-06-22T23:32:00.001+08:00

but only if you're a little bit in love with me

sun & moon

2011-06-21T11:31:00.001+08:00

"how are you in love with both of them?"

my love burns like the stars

2011-06-21T02:30:00.001+08:00

I literally felt my heart drop.

you gotta step up your game

2011-06-19T23:51:00.001+08:00

Perhaps I'm just too in love with myself. You can say it was a disastrous weekend. Z-z-z-zouk two nights in a row. What I thought might've been my last chance to relish my freedom. Then yet another unexpected walk past. Why am I always right? These things are just waiting to happen, and they always do. Always. Nowadays, I find myself craving for less than what I have. Less drinks, less high, less mess. (HAHA) What has to happen before I realize that my recklessness is getting me in too much trouble? 1) Maybe it is indeed a small matter but I can't believe you denied it. I doubt it's about me but... really?! I am supposed to be the one that embarrassed. Pfft. And you, you are really just such a fucking girl. You're not the only one either and you're not the only one with an ego to bruise. In fact, your bitchiness makes me want to defy it more. 2) It's the lack of regret, really. That's why I never learn. Everything takes a lot longer to kick in than I realize thus the complete and utter blackout. In this case I think ignorance is bliss. I don't learn because I get over things to easily. I wonder if it's some circle of life thing - once a *****er, always one. I was incredibly insulted by that by the way. I thought i told you (much to my dismay) that you were special. I guess you can't believe my words the way I can't believe yours, yeah?

I simply want him more

because he looks the other way

doesn't really mean that I'm into you

2011-06-18T18:19:00.007+08:00

This is making me miserable. This job is teaching me a lot of things, like the true meaning of manual labour and just how difficult life is for people who aim so fucking low. Nothing puts me off more than to be under someone who is fucking incompetent. There I said it and I can't take it back. Never one to quit but.... It's an option. Well. This is also bringing back into light questions of my future and how ready I am to get up and go. On one hand, with all this ridiculous boy drama happening, it makes me feel like I need to start somewhere new where people don't already have that impression of me. On the other, this ridiculous boy drama just proves how much of a mess I still am. Full disclosure isn't necessary right? It was waiting to happen, really. The question is: who am I protecting here? I think that somewhere under all that ego, I know I am wrong on some levels. It just fucking pisses me off that it is such a big ass deal but hey, what's new. Am I really getting too liberal? Maybe I really don't value myself enough. Liberal is a lie because let's be honest, I am still plagued by guilt and all that moral shit. It's always the same fucking debate. Pfft. On a related note, I wonder what is holding me back. Ego is merely a cover-up for my fear of looking stupid. A flat out accusation of it being a conspiracy felt like a slap in the face. I was always the doubtful one but that was kind of harsh. I just hope no one is actually capable of that. Your declaration didn't even surprise me, mostly because it's so hard to believe. I guess only time will tell? Pfft.

You didn't mean it baby

who run the world?

2011-06-17T00:41:00.000+08:00

it surprises me how sad I still am

don't let it burn

2011-06-13T00:42:00.003+08:00

and now you want me one more time